


Home Again

by samsjazz



Series: Coming Home [1]
Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Drama, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-13
Updated: 2016-03-06
Packaged: 2018-02-08 15:39:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 41,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1946715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samsjazz/pseuds/samsjazz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stopped from jumping off the cliff, Bella and Jacob soon begin a relationship, but a mistake makes Bella flee. She returns months later with danger hot on her heels to seek the protection of the pack for her and the surprise she brings with her. Now she must face the truth of her actions and seek the forgiveness of the one's she's hurt most.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Fears That Made Me Flee

**Author's Note:**

> Pre-read and beta'd by shadowinghope but any remaining mistakes are mine. While this story doesn't have a definite ending chapter number I believe it will be around the 36 range, of which 32 are written.

Heading down the all too familiar road, I was driving back to what I’d run from not long ago, but what felt like a lifetime. Glancing at the clock on the dash, I saw it was later than expected. I needed to get to Charlie’s before it became dark and too late to do what was needed. I pressed harder on the gas.

It wasn’t the best to be on the road at night right now. Knowing what was out there hunting me again. During my time away I’d lived believing that I couldn’t be found and was safe. How pathetically naïve. Spending considerable time these past two years with a target firmly planted to my back should have taught me better. But it was the times when the danger would disappear that led to the false sense of security. No longer could I believe I was out of harm’s way. I wasn’t the only one in danger anymore. I was doing this for the safety of others; otherwise, I wouldn’t subject those I’d left to my return. I wouldn’t have to sum up the courage to face them.

I was going to have to ask a pack of werewolves for the help I threw in their face when I ran away. Now it was going to be ten times harder to ask for it and all I could do was hope it was given. It was their reaction I was most concerned about, even more than Charlie’s; though I feared his, having been gone for more than half a year. That’s not even considering the life changing surprise that would make them all hate me. 

I feared the pack more than when I went to the ballet studio to face James. I fled Forks, Charlie, the pack and Jacob with nothing more than a note asking them not to look for me. I left my family, pack included, and in facing everyone I didn’t know what I’d find. It terrified me.

While I feared the pack’s reaction to my return and request, I feared Jacob’s the most. I knew what I had done to him was as bad as what Edward had done to me, if not worse. I didn’t have the decency to give him a goodbye or explanation; even if what Edward told me was a lie, it was something. I’d held onto Edward’s words because they were all I had left of him. What did Jacob have? He had no tangible thing that would explain my actions and disappearance. I most likely broke him like I had been broken. I hated myself for that; I was sick at the idea of him in pain because of me. I knew that pain and still I inflicted it onto those I loved. 

Yet, I held out the hope there had been no one to fix him like he had done for me. Selfish, I know, but if there was someone, I knew he’d be lost to me regardless of him ever forgiving me. It hurt to think of him moving on from me, when I knew I never really would. Truthfully, it was what I deserved but I didn’t want it to be true. These were the consequence of my actions, as wrong as I now believed them to be.

I pulled up in Charlie’s drive a little later than I intended but hopefully in time to do what was needed. I parked the car, slid the key out of the ignition and nervously climbed out. As I was about to shut the door, I heard the storm door open and close. I turned to face my father, and was surprised when it was Billy, my father’s best friend and Jacob’s father, out on the porch. A look of utter bewilderment and shock crossed his face before he replaced it with his usual implacability. Seconds later, Charlie rushed out.

“Hey, Billy, whose car is here?”

The second he spotted me, he froze; his face showed shock, amazement, and even a little anger. Before either had a chance to speak, I did. “Hi Dad. Billy.”

My voice was shaky, but that was to be expected. I had been gone for nearly seven months with only a note asking them to not look for me and a call two weeks after I left, just simply saying ‘I’m alive and safe’. 

“Bella…where…what…” Charlie’s voice moved through countless emotions.

A sharp, shrill sound came from the backseat of my car cutting me off before I could respond. I turned my attention to the backseat and ignored the two men with bugging eyes.

I opened the back door to look on the very wide awake faces of my beautiful angels. I knew if one awoke the other was sure to follow.

“Hello angels, do you want to go inside and meet your grandfathers?” I asked as I unhooked both carriers. I covered them up and set them outside the car to grab the diaper bag. Now that my big secret was out I might as well begin to explain myself to the two men staring in silence. I picked up the carriers and headed to the house and towards the two still frozen in their spots. I climbed up the stairs, walked around the aged statues and made my way to the living room where I set down the carriers and plopped on the couch. I anxiously awaited the long and lengthy conversation that would follow. I would give them the answers that were needed but I had to make it to La Push to talk to Sam well before dark.

While I was waiting, I uncovered the carriers and saw that they were wide eyed and alert. They were looking at me with the eyes I longed for more than my next breath. Every time they would look at me my heart would lurch and pang. I searched for their pacifiers, gave them to them and again waited for my inquisition to begin.

Charlie walked in pushing Billy, both looking furious. Charlie’s expression was still filled with shock and many questions while Billy’s was deeply contemplative. Charlie pushed Billy in front of the couch I was on and then sat beside me. I dropped my eyes when they’d entered the room and I saw their expressions in an effort to avoid their anger for a tiny bit longer. With some exertion, I raised my eyes to the two men I knew would love my angels as much as me. Someone else I knew would love them as much but he would carry more anger than either man before me. Billy’s gaze was the harshest and I again dropped mine to the carriers to help give me strength.

“Bella…,” Charlie began a little hesitant. I looked up to meet his eyes. I couldn’t keep backing down. I deserved to hear whatever they had to say to me; they deserved answers. “Bella, this is why you left,” Billy finished for him in a statement not a question.

I nodded my head. I took a deep breath and prepared to give my reasons for leaving. I needed to be careful. As much as I’d love to give them both all of the reasons, I couldn’t. Many of my reasons dealt mainly in the realm of normal life but some involved things from the supernatural. It was a world Charlie was not a part of, a world I intended to keep him from if I could. If it was just Billy I could tell him everything without restraint -- not that I would -- but I wasn’t going to get that option. I was attempting to sort out what I was going to say, so to procrastinate I created a distraction.  
“Would you like to meet them?” Uncertainty filled their eyes.

“It’s okay, you can hold them, and I know you’ll be careful. I mean, you’ve both done this before.” They nodded and I leaned down and unbuckled the closest one.  
“This Lil’ Bean is Juliana Emilia; she’s the oldest by five minutes.” My voice cracked as I handed her to Charlie. Awe crossed their faces as they took in her tiny, squirming body. I quickly moved to the other carrier.

“This Peanut is Charlotte Sarah,” I told them as I took her out of the carrier and moved to hand her to Billy. At the mention of Sarah his eyes darted from Juliana to me. The dark brown pools were sad at the mention and quickly filled with questions. He dropped his gaze to stare at the bundle I laid in his arms. He looked at her a moment for and then returned his eyes to me, the question in them never leaving. I knew what he wanted to ask, but weren’t the answers obvious just by looking at my girls?

Both had curly black hair. Even as young as they both were, they had a head full. If I nitpicked their looks, I thought that Charlotte’s eyes seemed to be closer in color to mine, a milk chocolate; Juliana’s nearly looked black. They both had my lips but everything beside their skin color was all their father’s, the feminine miniatures of him. Their skin was a creamy russet. Nowhere near my ghostly pallor and several shades lighter than his.

I decided to just come out with an answer to one of Billy’s unspoken questions. It would ease some discomfort in the room.

“Yes Billy, they’re Jacob’s.” My heart panged at the mention of his name.

His eyes grew sad and he nodded his head, he looking at both girls and then back at me.

“Why’d you leave, Bella? Why’d you keep this –them- from him, from us?” He asked his voice held nothing but sadness.

With a sigh I organized my thoughts and shut my emotions down. My momentary distraction was over and I still hadn’t come up with what I was going to say. Not shutting my emotions off threatened to topple me and make functioning impossible, much like the night I found out I was pregnant.

I had to do this, not for me, but for the little girls in their grandfathers’ arms. I had to do this for them, the two men holding them and most importantly, I had to do this for Jacob.  
I knew I had hurt him by leaving, hurt them all. Now I feared I would hurt him more with my return. With a shaky breath, I steeled myself and began.

“Before I left I had been feeling off. I wasn’t sick but there were days I couldn’t keep food down. After waking up for the sixth consecutive day sick I had a feeling it wasn’t the flu. On that hunch, I went to the store and got some tests. When all four came back positive, I got really scared, scared for myself and the responsibility now placed on my shoulders, scared at how you two would react, what you’d do. How would Jacob react and how would he feel? I knew what this would mean for me but what about Jacob? He already had so much responsibility on his plate. With school and his work on the reservation, his other job along with his home responsibilities, he was only sleeping three to five hours a night and we only saw each other one day a week if we were lucky. How would he fit a child into that life? Not to mention that he was just sixteen.” I took a large breath and began again, the memories pulling me back.

“I came to the conclusion that he couldn’t and so I made a decision. I wouldn’t put this on him. If he found out, he would try to take it all on and he’d run himself more ragged. He would have to give something up. The only thing he’d be able to give up was school; he’d have to drop out. I knew, eventually, he’d regret quitting school and giving up his dreams and goals. He would come to resent this life that was forced on him and it would be the end of what little adolescence he actually still possessed. Along with the end of his adolescence and his resentment of this new life, he’d eventually come to resent me for forcing this on him. I wouldn’t have been able to survive him ever hating me, so I wasn’t going to stick around for that to happen. The next morning I packed up and left. I ran away from safety, family and friends so that I could protect him from himself and I ran before he could hate me or leave me.”

With a giant shaky breath, I wiped the tears that were threatening to fall and looked to Billy to try to tell him with my eyes that there was more to my reasoning. Billy being Billy seemed to see that and gave me a small nod. Both men were digesting what I had told them and remained quiet.

“God, Bella, what made you think...,” Charlie started to yell but stopped when he looked in his arms. “No, we’ll talk about that later. How old are they, Bells?” He asked.  
A small, proud smile played on my lips. “They’ll be two months on Tuesday. I was three-and-a-half to four months along when I left and they were born about six weeks early.” 

Charlie gave me a nod and became contemplative. “Not that I’m not happy you’re home, and there’s no way I’m letting you leave, but what made you decide to come back now? I mean, from what you just said you were trying to protect Jacob, so why now?”

My breath caught. My singular reason for coming back today was one of many I couldn’t tell Charlie. He was thankfully free of the world I had immersed myself in almost from the moment I moved to Forks. He couldn’t know about the life I shared with the Cullens or the life that I shared with the pack. I have spent over two years deceiving him and needed to continue to do so. Through lying, I believed I was protecting him from that life and its dangers. My ghosts continued to haunt me and now hunted my daughters, I couldn’t have Charlie know the truth and have him in more danger than he already is. Even if I believed he could handle the truth, I couldn’t take the looks of horror, revulsion and disappointment he’d give me and the pack. So I came up with partial truth. It was something that would have had me come home, just not the reason I came so quickly. 

“I came back because I can’t do this by myself. I can’t properly raise two children on my own. It would’ve been easier with just one child but not two. I came back because I decided I couldn’t continue to do to Jacob what Renée did to you. I couldn’t keep him from his daughters anymore and I couldn’t keep them from him. I see now that I lost a chance to grow into a relationship with you as a child my chance to have a father’s influence in my life, and it caused me to lose my childhood early. I don’t want the life I had for my girls. I want to give them what I never really had a childhood with both their parents in their lives every day. Even if Jacob and I don’t ever get back together, I want him in our lives. I came back before too much time had passed and he lost out on them being babies.”

The hole in my heart that I thought long gone came back in full fury at the thought of Jacob no longer wanting me. It was terribly selfish, I knew that, but it would be the only way we wouldn’t be together. I knew from the day I let him in and we finally became a couple that I would never not want him. These last few months without him were a hell I would wish on no one, yet I brought it on myself.

I truly believed, long before Jacob and I began our romantic relationship, long before I realized I wanted one, that he was integral to my existence. He had decided to fix me, mend my shattered, broken heart and soul. He did it and expected nothing in return. For the longest time I was unable to give him anything in return. I couldn’t even give him the hope that while I knew he felt more for me than I him, that I would ever be able to return those feelings. He always accepted me and loved me without condition. He took me as is and fixed what he could. As he fixed me, he began to take a permanent hold on the pieces he fixed, possessing more and more of my heart with it.

I realized while he was fixing me that the pain I was in was me holding onto Edward’s Bella; the life that, that Bella had wanted. I held on with a death grip, all the while dragging me down with it. But she died that day in the woods. The empty Bella didn’t know who she was without that life or that family. But even the Bella that Jacob was building back up, piece by agonizing piece, was still clinging to that nonexistent life. That caused pain to both Jacob and I.

I fought Jacob and I fought Jacob’s Bells. I had pushed him away with one hand while holding onto him with the other. I’m sure it confused him to no end. In truth, I was afraid, afraid to give myself to another, to risk my still fragile heart. Especially to the one who had painstakingly fixed it. Because if I gave him my heart and he broke it, there would be no one left to fix it. I would become unfixable. So with much hesitation, I let Edward’s Bella go and became Jake’s Bells.

I knew without a doubt that though I could live without Jacob in my life I would never choose to do so; my time away proved that. Jacob was my solid base, my foundation. With him, I could weather any storm. He kept me safe and protected me from both the mystical and myself. He let me see that I was enough, that I was wanted and loved as is and he would still love any change that came along. He loved and adored me with all that he was; he held nothing back from me and in time, I held nothing back from him. I had told him everything. About the monster that had taken hold in my chest, my feelings about the Cullens. I even told him about his voice and my actions to hear it. I believed that last thing would destroy us and any chance of there being anything more. Of course, he was angry that at the beginning I had used him but he forgave me quicker than I deserved. I wouldn’t be forgiven so easily this time around. My recent sins were worse than a girl using a boy to heal the wounds inflicted by another.

Even after my vent of everything he accepted me and loved me. I loved him all the more for it and still I betrayed his love and trust in me. I was a horrible woman.

Not only had Jacob fixed me but the pack had too. After I found out their secret they had welcomed me with open arms. Well, most of them did. I felt I belonged with them. I felt more at home and loved than I ever did with the Cullens. With the latter group, I always believed I didn’t fit their level of perfection. I wasn’t unfailingly beautiful and pristinely perfect; I was human with human flaws. With the pack I belonged; I was like them, just really pale. I didn’t need to do anything or be anyone to fit in, I just did.

Kim and Emily (and then eventually Rachel) became my closest friends. Quil, Embry and Seth became my brothers who just happend to be freakishly tall. Hell, even Sam seemed like an older brother to me. When I let Jacob in, they all let me in; to them, I was just another member of the pack. I loved my life with them, but with them also came my greatest fear, the fear of losing Jacob. One word controlled my happiness; one tiny cable so easily cut would destroy my entire world. Imprinting. It was a curse and a curse word to me. Nothing was more foul and poisonous, yet it brought happiness to most of the people in my world. Only two other people shared my hatred for the wolf-y voodoo -- Jacob and Leah.

I still rememberd when they had to explain imprinting to me after Quil imprinted on Claire. The disgust I felt towards my friend before Sam and Jacob tried to explain the supernatural connection that was now forged between him and the little girl. I just couldn’t comprehend how jokester, play-boy Quil could be eternally devoted to a little girl.

I understood all the implications involved in imprinting but I chose to ignore them; the fear of letting Jacob go so he could imprint was too strong, so I pushed them to the back of my mind. I tried to settle my fears with his promises that he would never imprint, that it wouldn’t happen because I was his soul mate and the ancestors were wrong; he loved me too much to imprint. While the fears were tempered, they never went away completely. 

I was constantly reminded of the power of imprinting. I had witnessed two imprints; I saw the looks that crossed the faces of both Quil and Paul. I watched the shift in them the moment it happened. There was no denying that if Jacob imprinted, I would be nothing but a distant memory. Even if I hadn’t actually seen it, I would have been reminded of what would await me by the one person that hated me more than Victoria: Leah. Hell, she made the hatred that Rosalie threw at me look tame and kitten like. 

In the beginning of my relationship with Jacob, I subconsciously feared every woman he would see. I would wonder if that was the woman that would take my happiness and sanity with her. I feared that one day Jacob would come to see me only to say goodbye, telling me that he no longer loved or wanted me. The fear of losing him made the pain of losing Edward pale in comparison. It probably wasn’t healthy to feel so dependent on him but I didn’t know any better.

I finally had decided I would live my life with Jacob as if there was no mystical threat to our happiness. I would enjoy each and every moment I was given with him for however long I had.  
That was until I found out I was pregnant. I knew if I stayed and we raised our child together and then one day he came home to tell me he imprinted, he no longer would just be leaving me. He’d also be leaving our child. That would kill me to see the pain on my child’s face. The insecurity it would cause of not being good enough for his or her father, I couldn’t do that. So, I resolved to leave; leave to avoid him leaving me. Leave to avoid him resenting me, leave to avoid him leaving his child, and leave to give him a break from some responsibility. I was going to free him from it all, and put every bit of it on me.

I was so deeply scared of the truth of it all that I ran. Never understanding all the implications of my choice, I didn’t even completely think out what I needed to do to support myself. My thoughts were solely focused on running away from the pain and heartache that hadn’t even happened yet. Heartache that only grew worse after I left.

I drove until my emotional pain and physical exhaustion were too much for me to continue. I had subconsciously stopped in a town near a large forest. I stayed in the town; I no longer had the energy to run farther, and I was unable to put further distance between me and home. The first day in that town I found a decent job, found an apartment and a doctor. The most important thing in my life to date occurred in that town but never for one second did I live there. I subsisted on a basic level to provide for myself and my girls. I had no real friends and my thoughts never left Forks or La Push. My heart remained on the beach with Jacob. I cried myself to sleep every night before my girls were born.

The only thing that consumed my thoughts was Jacob and what I’d done to him and how he was doing without me. I knew he’d never forgive my leaving and the fact that I’d kept his daughters from him only made that more true. I would never love another but if he didn’t take me back and he was sans imprint, it would be my rightful punishment. I just prayed my actions wouldn’t have a negative effect on our daughters.

Over my many months away and my constant thoughts of Jacob and my actions, I came to terms with many of my reasons for leaving, especially imprinting. I decided it no longer mattered that he hadn’t imprinted on me. It had always been a problem for me and bolstered the feelings of insecurity, like I wasn’t good enough in the eyes of his Quileute ancestors. But we had a connection that was special. Had the supernatural never existed we would have been considered soul mates. People outside of our small circle, like Angela, saw this and commented on it often. Jacob knew me better than I knew myself and he could read me better than I’d ever read my favorite classics and I could read him just as well. He hid nothing from me and I hid nothing from him. I didn’t think even his imprint could compete with that. As much as it hurt, he would forever be my Jacob and I would forever be his Bells, even if we weren’t together.

I stopped my mental rambling, thankful that Charlie and Billy let me have it. They let me be and just took in their granddaughters. I realized that the girls needed to be changed and sometime in the next hour or two fed. I took Juliana from Charlie and changed her first. While I was doing that, Billy handed Charlotte over to Charlie. When I was done with Juliana I gave her to Billy and went to take care of Charlotte before handing her back to Charlie. I got up and went in the kitchen to throw the diapers away. On my way back into the living room I took in the scene before me. Billy and Charlie were smiling broadly at their granddaughters and cooing contentedly. As much as it made me happy, it also hurt my heart that I’d kept this from them, even if it was only for a short time. I glanced at the clock behind Billy on the living room wall and knew I needed to head to La Push soon if I was going to make it back before sunset.

I gave a heavy sigh, not ready to try to explain to Charlie why I needed to go to La Push, especially if I wasn’t going to go talk to Jacob. I knew Billy would understand, mostly, at the mention of Sam but I was going to leave both with more questions than answers. I just needed to be vague for now. At my sigh, they both looked up at me.

“I was wondering if you two could watch the girls for a couple of hours. They’ve been changed and hopefully they won’t get hungry for another hour or two. If they do, there are two bottles in the diaper bag. You can just warm them up in some hot water but make sure to check the temperature first before giving any of it to them. I’ll try to get back as quickly as possible,” I babbled.

“Where the hell do you think you’re heading off to Bella?” Charlie asked, his tone as angry as his eyes. He wasn’t happy about me leaving so soon after coming home.  
“I’ve got to go to La Push to talk to Sam. When I get back how ‘bout I make us all some dinner, okay?” I tried to ignore the look of surprise that flew onto both their faces at the mention of Sam’s name instead of the one they expected but I was hopeful the mention of some home cooking would distract them from asking about it.

I should have known I wasn’t really that lucky.

“Why do you have to go talk to Sam? I thought you said Jacob’s their dad?” Charlie asked, sounding suspicious. I felt my jaw drop. While I had been expecting him to ask why I wanted to see Sam, his paternity comment just pissed me off. Why it would get into his head that either I would lie about the paternity of my children or the fact that I would cheat on Jacob or that Sam would cheat on Emily, was beyond my realm of understanding. 

“Really, Dad?” I snapped. “You seriously think that little of me? Of Sam? Jacob is the father. It’s just really important that I speak with Sam.” I finished, very irritated. I flashed my glance to Billy, trying to convey the importance of going to La Push. I was praying he’d see it so that I wouldn’t have to come up with another lie to pacify Charlie. Though I knew it wouldn’t be the last time I’d have to lie to him I wanted to avoid it at all costs. Billy must have seen and subtly nodded his head towards me.

“That sounds great Bella. It’s been a while since we’ve had some of your home cooking. Charlie boy here has been surviving on take out and any meals Sue happens to make for him. I think us two old farts can handle two babies for an hour. We did raise kids ourselves.” Billy was smiling.

I nodded my head to him in silent thanks and then rushed to my babies to say goodbye. I placed a kiss on each of their foreheads and then I pressed one to the cheek of Charlie and Billy. I turned and rushed out of the house and made my way to the car. I sighed, started the car and began making my way to La Push.


	2. Stammering Alphas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella meets with Sam and is thrown off by a confrontation she isn't ready for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> preread and beta'd by shadowinghope.

To say I was nervous would be an understatement. I had to see the people who I cared for most in the world, second only to the four I had just left and Jacob; people who I had left without reason or explanation. They let me into their world and lives without pretense and most never faulted me for my love of my former vampire family. They protected me relentlessly at the risk of their own lives. I owed them so much - for saving me, for helping Jacob fix me, for loving me, for making me a part of their family. How did I repay them? I left them high and dry. So, of course, I was nervous. I deserved nothing but their anger and for them to kick me out. But for the safety of my children, I had to bite the bullet, see them, and ask a favor I’d never be able to repay, along with the many others I’d never be able to repay.

My only unending hope was that when I knocked, Sam would be the one to answer the door. I really didn’t want Jacob to answer or God forbid, Leah or Paul. That would be the greatest form of torture and would make what I had to do impossibly harder.

My mind raced with all the possible things that could be said to me the moment the door opened. I was praying they would listen and help me. They were the only option I had to keep myself and my children alive. I would do whatever was needed to ensure their safety. 

As I pulled into the memorable yard, I noticed that from the outside the house looked quiet, but from experience I knew that wasn’t necessarily the case. I parked the car, climbed out, shut the door and stopped. I steeled myself and marched up to the house. I knocked while my body shook, wracked with nerves. I began chewing on my nails in an effort to calm myself.

I waited and listened intently to any sounds coming from the tiny house, holding my breath awaiting the horror that might wait behind the door. I heard nothing but soon noticed through the curtain a figure walking towards the door. The figure was massive and definitely male- thank God, not Leah. I took a deep breath and prepared for the door to open.

The man that opened the door startled at seeing me; his face showed complete shock and I waited for him to speak. He seemed to be stunned into silence. I was silently thankful it was Sam that had been the one to answer the door but I continued to wait for him. I heard the voices of the pack laughing with one another in the background. Soon, I heard a laugh and voice that tore at my heart.  
“Quil, quit acting like an idiot and sit your ass down,” Jacob bellowed, laughing, and after a moment of silence, then addressed Sam. “Hey, Sam, who’s at the door?”

Panic took hold and I looked to Sam pleadingly. He still hadn’t moved, the expression had frozen on his face. He acted as if he hadn’t heard Jacob from behind him.

“I was wondering if I could speak with you, privately,” I asked softly, praying they wouldn’t hear me inside. My hopes were quashed as the house grew deathly silent. I cringed. They had all heard me and I knew everyone knew I was here. The need to get Sam away from the house became desperate. I had to ask him my favor before there was any confrontation from the pack or Jacob.

“Out of hearing distance, please?” I pleaded and motioned towards the house.

That finally seemed to snap him out of his haze and he nodded, motioning for me to head around the house to the beach. We walked silently together but I could feel his questioning eyes boring into me. I continued to avoid his gaze until we reached a piece of driftwood. I sat and waited; I was still shaking and I barely had a handle on my emotions. Hearing Jacob and the silence that followed had unnerved me. I had no idea what would happen once Sam and I started talking but I was going to try to remain calm. He sat and I waited for the barrage of questions he would throw at me.  
“Bella?” He asked hesitantly, his voice firm and immobile. He was in Alpha mode. “You wanted to talk, so talk.” 

I sighed. “Look, Sam, I didn’t come back here to cause problems, really, though I know I will. I know I hurt everyone with my actions, but at the time I did what I thought was best.” I could see he wanted to interrupt, so I continued on and ignored him.

“I came back today, because I need your help, I need the pack’s help, now more than ever. I know I don’t deserve it but if it was just for me, I wouldn’t ask. I’m no longer asking just for me, I’m not the only one in danger this time.”

He quickly cut me off, his tone impatient. “What are you talking about, Bella?” 

“I’m getting to that but I have one question for you before you speak. After I left, did you or any of the pack catch any sign that Victoria had come back?” At the mention of Victoria, his hard, immobile mask fell, his eyes bugging. A moment later it was back in place, with no emotion getting by.

“Yes, about a week or two after you disappeared, we caught her scent. It was hours old but we haven’t had any contact with her since. Why?” Well, it fit my theory that she went off in search of me after I left.

“Yesterday, I was coming home from the store when I looked into the woods a fair distance behind my apartment. I noticed a figure about halfway up a tree. I saw fire red hair billowing around the figure. It was Victoria. Thankfully, it was really sunny and I was in a fairly public location so she couldn’t get to me. I needed to get away before she had a chance to. I grabbed everything I needed from my apartment and came straight here. 

“Sam, if it was just me that was in danger, I wouldn’t have come back and asked this of you or them; my life is of secondary importance. Right now, there are two who are more important. I need you to protect them because they are important to me, to Charlie and Billy, to the pack and to Jacob.” I didn’t know why I couldn’t just come out and tell him about my babies but I really think that it was because I knew he would hate me the instant he heard because I had taken a pack brother’s children away, and I just wasn’t ready to see the hate in his eyes.

“Bella, who else needs to be protected from the red-headed leech other than you? Who is it that’s important to the pack?” He was confused and I wasn’t surprised. The fear of telling him was mounting and I was again shaking. I took a deep breath and answered once the shaking stilled.

“I need you to protect my children from Victoria. Sam, I need you to protect me for them,” I pleaded. I needed them all to protect my babies. Protect them where I couldn’t. The pack was my only option. If I had to get on my hands and knees and beg every one of them, I would.

Sam gasped, his eyes bugged out and he stared at me in complete shock. I wasn’t all that sure he’d taken a breath since I spoke. I waited for him to speak, very afraid of what he’d say. I knew he needed a moment to let it sink in. I did just drop a pretty big bomb on him.

“Your…y-…you…- children?”He stuttered, wide-eyed gasping on needed air. I looked down in shame.

“Yes, Sam, children. Two daughters.”

“Is that…it’s why you ran, why you disappeared- why you left without any explanation or proof of where you went, Bella? You left because you were pregnant?” His voice had gone from quizzical to angry and his tone became scolding. “Why would you leave? Why, when you didn’t have to do this by yourself, when we would have all stood behind you?”

“Sam, I had my reasons for why I left and at the time, I believed they were valid. Yes, I left because I found out I was pregnant but you aren’t the person I need to give my explanations to first.” That was if Jacob even wanted to talk to me. “You will get an explanation after I give him his. Right now, I need to know if you’re willing to help me, help me protect my girls.” 

He sighed. “Of course, we’ll protect you and your daughters; it’s our job and they’re our family too.” I didn’t miss that he had left me out of said family; it hurt but I really didn’t expect to be welcomed back openly or happily. Now that I was back, I would have to work my way back in, build the trust back up, and then maybe I’d be invited back in to this patchwork family.

“Thank you, Sam. I know I don’t deserve anything from you or anyone else and I don’t think I’ll ever earn forgiveness for my actions. I am willing to try anything to get you all in my life again for my daughters and myself. My actions were impulsive in reaction to my fears and I never considered the consequences of what I was doing. I royally messed up and everyone is paying for it; some more than others.” I was near tears and I was struggling to keep them in.

“Bella, I’m not going to lie and say you didn’t hurt us or that you didn’t mess up. I won’t ever deny that, but I can see you were scared and given time we will all forgive you. We had no idea what you were going through that made you decide to leave. We can’t judge you for your fears. We love you, we missed you and we will all be glad you’re back safe. And it seems you brought along some extras. Where are they by the way? I’m sure everyone would love to meet them.” I smiled at the thought of my ‘extras’. 

“I have Billy and Charlie watching them; they were in the car the whole day and they needed to be out of their car seats. Also, I thought that it would probably be easier to ask you if they weren’t with me. I don’t think their grandpas mind watching them for a while. As for meeting them, I think someone else needs to meet them first. After he meets them, then it’s whenever it’s convenient for everyone; since I left I have to make amends on your terms not mine.”

“Wow. I just can’t get over it…kids. How old are they, Bella?” He asked uncomfortably.

“They’ll be two months on Tuesday.” He smiled a little but it fell quickly and then his face became solemn.

“When are you going to tell him Bella? It’s not like I can keep this from him for long.”

“Whenever he’ll listen to me; we both know he stubborn he can be, and won’t hear a word I say, though it’s not like I don’t deserve it. And I hate to ask anything else of you Sam but can you keep the girls a secret from the pack, as much as you can, until I talk to him? He needs to hear it from me and not second hand from someone else.”

“I’ll try my hardest, Bella, but you know how the wolf thing works, so you need to tell him soon. I can’t keep this from the pack for very long and I won’t keep this from Emily, either.”

I sighed, nodded and stared at the sand. The next few days, weeks, months (I didn’t even know how long) were going to suck. Nothing made me regret leaving like preparing to face Jacob. I was going to have to dredge up most of the shit I had tried to push down these last few months. I mean, I gave Charlie and Billy the PG, sunshine version. 

I was stressed. I had a murderous vampire intent on my painful death after me, eight werewolves and their significant others angry with me (even if I deserved it) and two babies who require me for all their needs and who didn’t know how to sleep at night or at the same time. I didn’t think I could take much more on my plate but I had yet to deal with the fallout. I glanced at my watch. I needed to get back, my time was almost up.

“Sam, thanks for everything, but I’ve got to get back to the girls. I told Charlie and Billy I’d only be gone for a little bit because the girls need to be fed, bathed and put to bed.”

“I understand, Bella. Just wait to leave until I’ve assigned some wolves to go to your house, okay?”

“Okay. Really, Sam, thank you. I don’t think I can say enough about how much I’m indebted to you.”

He stood, nodded to me and reached a hand out to help me up. He surprised me by pulling me into a hug.

“Glad you’re back and you’re safe. I really missed you, - we all did,” he whispered in my ear. He then planted a small kiss to my forehead. It was something he began to do not long after I started dating Jacob. I had asked him once why he did it. He told me it was his way of showing that he cared for me and that he felt like a protective older brother. A kiss to the forehead showed me that he was on his way to forgiving me. I choked back a small sob at the gesture, as a few tears fell down my cheeks.

“I’m glad I’m back, too. You have no idea how much I missed all of you,” I whispered back, not really able to speak much louder without my voice cracking.

We walked back to the house in silence. My mind was racing on how I was supposed to talk to Jacob. What was I going to say? How was I going to tell him? Would he forgive me? Would he phase? What would this mean for us? Was that even a possibility anymore? I was so lost in thought I didn’t realize we had made it back to Sam’s. As the house came into view, my heart stopped, my breath caught and I became instantly fearful. I wasn’t ready for this yet. I wanted more time, time I wasn’t going to get.

Jacob sat on the stairs of the porch with his knees up, his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. His whole body was rigid and his back taut. Just by looking at him, I could tell: HE. WAS. PISSED. And I couldn’t blame him one bit. He must have heard our approach and he tensed further. I was afraid of what I’d see when he looked up. I was on edge and my mind was telling me to run to my car and leave; my heart kept my feet firmly planted. I couldn’t run, not from him, not again. Sam placed a comforting hand on my shoulder.

“I’ll go take care of it right away. It’ll be okay, Bella.” I just nodded my head.

He walked up the stairs, clapped Jacob on the back and walked inside, most likely to put a wolf on patrol at Charlie’s. I shuffled my feet back and forth in indecision. I needed to, wanted to tell him everything but I had no idea how to start. I watched him warily, afraid of any move he’d make. But truthfully, I was more afraid he’d just tell me to leave and not let me explain or sit blankly and give me the cold shoulder: all of which I truly deserved. His head remained in his hands and he began rubbing his face in frustration or anger; it was most likely a mix of the two. I flinched at his tone when he finally spoke.

“What the hell, Bella!” He growled. He stopped rubbing his face and raised it to look at me; I quickly dropped my gaze not wanting to see all the emotions swirling in his eyes.  
His stammer caught me off guard; it wasn’t in the tone I was expecting. “What…huh…you look different, you’re…you’ve changed.”

The comment threw me. I furrowed my brow and looked down at myself. How did I look different? What was he seeing? I mean my hair was in a braid, it was a little redder because it was sunnier where I’d been living and I was wearing new clothes but I didn’t think I looked remarkably different from before.

“Huh?” 

“You look different…your hips…are wider and you’ve filled out more in places…you look older.” 

I couldn’t help but be offended. “Yeah, well, things happen, people change, they age… I’m not really sure how I’m supposed to take that, Jacob.” I was a little worried he thought I was fat. I mean, I knew I was rounder; I still had some pregnancy weight but I had just given birth two months ago and I was breast feeding. Did I really look that different, that bad? He gave a heavy exasperated sigh, probably trying to keep himself calm.

“What’s going on, Bella? You’ve been gone for six months and sixteen days with only one phone call to Charlie months ago just telling him ‘you’re alive’. What the hell was that? You come back and the first fucking person you see is Sam.” 

He wasn’t yelling but his raised voice was close, he was acting exactly as I expected him to. I needed him, wanted him to be angry with me; I deserved it. I also needed to tell him but I couldn’t just blurt it out, could I?

“Jake, I….” How was I going to tell him? What was I going to say? I had no freaking clue. I knew he was getting angrier the longer I stayed silent. I knew I was on a time crunch with Charlie, with Sam and now Jacob; I needed to grow up and get on with it. I was nearing the time limit but I had to do this first. My heart hurt knowing the pain I would inflict on him and I wanted to run really badly, but I couldn’t, not again, never again. This was one of the major consequences I had to face.

“I came to see Sam first because yesterday Victoria found me. I wanted to ask him if he could have the pack protect me again. He agreed.” I decided to go with the least disturbing bit of news first. Okay, this wasn’t necessarily the least disturbing considering it was a vampire; it was just information he already knew about. Before I could continue, he busted in.

“What a load of bullshit, Bella. Victoria was after you long before you abandoned me, the pack, Charlie. You still left. What, you thought she wouldn’t find you? I know even you aren’t that naïve; then again, what do I know, you’ve changed.”That last biting remark at the end was his attack. He was growling around every word he spoke and if I would have been brave enough to look up, I was pretty sure he’d be shaking. What he said hurt; with his verbal attack he knew he was hitting low. He was taking his hurt out on me, which I rightly deserved, but had he taken lessons from Leah and Paul on being an asshole? I had a feeling the changed comment no longer had anything to do with my appearance.

“I know that, Jacob. I never expected her not to find me; I just thought I had more time is all. I didn’t come back to have Sam protect just me. I’m not the only one in danger anymore.” My voice was beginning to rise in frustration but I realized it would get us nowhere, so I finished much gentler. I wasn’t going to tell him about his daughters when I was angry, so I calmed down, enough so that it showed in my voice. I wanted him to hear the love in my voice when I told him he had daughters but what he said next was blowing calm out of the water.

“What the fuck! Victoria finds you and you come running back and ask Sam to protect you and your new boy toy or something? That’s real fucking rich, Bella; you run away and come back to ask me to protect the new fucking boyfriend. I never thought you would be so fucking vindictive.” My jaw dropped; did he really just say that to me? I had lost the ability to speak. This man before me knew me better than any other person on the face of the planet. He knew I was not that type of girl. He was in pain, sure, but so was I. I had been pregnant and given birth, taken care of both girls, all without him. 

I knew I’d done it to myself. I knew that, but I had done all of this for him, or so I’d convinced myself. I loved him. I would love no one as I loved him; it was too painful to love anyone else this deeply. He was the father of my children, he was it for me and he was speaking to me like that. Did our relationship mean so little to him? He was hurt, of course he was going to speak to me like that. 

I remained silent as I tried without success to calm down. I needed to tell him now before I screamed the truth at him and stomped off or he phased, neither outcome desirable.  
Searching through what he said I whispered, “…or something.” I paused, took a deep breath and continued. “Jake, I need him to protect something other than my boy toy. There is no boyfriend. I asked Sam to protect my daughters.” I hadn’t raised my eyes this entire conversation and was still afraid of what I’d see. I could only guess what his expression showed. The bomb was dropped and I was waiting for its fallout.

I tilted my head up enough to see him through my lashes but not make eye contact. I could tell he was frozen-stopped breathing, stopped moving, stopped shaking, and if I had the guts to look up to his face, possibly he stopped blinking as well. He finally drew in a long ragged breath but still remained silent. I was growing antsy. I looked up towards the house; there was no longer any movement through the windows and the sounds that I had heard when Sam and I came back were gone. Well, I guess I didn’t have to tell the pack. Wolf. Out. Of. Bag.

“What did you just fucking say?” He spat his tone full of shock, anger and disbelief.

“I said: I asked Sam to protect my babies from Victoria. Their safety was more important than seeing you first. You were second on my list.” My bravery was running out, my voice became shaky, and I had the imitation of a leaf down pat.

“Daughter… daughters, as in plural?” I could no longer place the emotion in his voice.

“Yes, twin girls.” I had the feeling that he was still trying to process everything and that he was doing the math in his head. But he and I both knew that I hadn’t been gone long enough for any other possibility other than him as the father and soon he’d realize it.

“How…huh…what…when…who?” He asked in mumbled confusion.

“I was pregnant when I left, between three-and-a-half to four months. I gave birth about six weeks early almost two months ago.”

“Is that why you left me, because you were pregnant?”He yelled but there was still anguish laced in every word. I winced. He sounded weak and broken, because I broke him. I didn’t want to know what kind of emotional scars I had left, though I had a pretty good idea that now they were being made worse. I cut every wound deeper and inflicted painful new ones.

“Yes, I left because I was pregnant with our child – well, children.” Answering the question my voice cracked, I was struggling with the emotions like I was treading against the current. I told him what he needed to hear and would also stop him from accusing me of infidelity.

“Fucking Christ, Bella, why the fuck would you do that to me, to them, hell even to yourself? Did you think at all about what that would do to us, to me? Did you really believe so little of me that you assumed I wouldn’t take care of you and our child; that I wouldn’t support you and the babies? Tell me!” Oh god, I didn’t want him to go there. I didn’t mean to make him feel inadequate.

“God, Jake, no I didn’t think that. I will never think that…”

“Then why the fuck did you leave with my children? Why did you leave at all? Why did you leave me?” All of his anger was giving way to defeat.

“I was scared, I did what I thought was best. I did it out of love.”

“That’s bullshit. You left without giving me a say in my children’s lives and you believe you did it out of love? You don’t leave someone like that out of love. You fucking know that better than anyone. You know your precious leech didn’t love you and that’s why he left. If that’s the excuse you’re giving for leaving then you didn’t love me. Why did you really leave, to go find him? Bet he stayed gone so you came running back to your second choice, my children in tow.” He was growling and yelling, but I didn’t really care right now. I knew how wrong he was. In leaving, I had gained a lot of perspective on Edward’s actions and words that day in the forest. I understood why he did what he did more clearly.

Jacob’s comment shot me full of anger. “God, you can be a real freaking idiot. I didn’t leave to go find Edward. This has nothing to do with him. I am over him. I left because I love you. I know it doesn’t make sense to you now and maybe it never will but at the time it made perfect sense to me and it was all I could think to do to make your life easier,” I yelled at him while looking at the house, refusing to meet the fire I was positive was burning in his gaze. 

“Do I regret what I did? Absu-freaking-lutely. My reasons for leaving were important then. I believed I was leaving to make the life of the man I loved easier, even if it made mine harder.”

“What you did to me, you don’t do to someone you love.”

“What do you want me to say, that I didn’t love you and that’s why I left? ‘Cause it’s not true. I do love you but fear took over and I acted without thinking. Do you want me to say I was wrong and I made the worst decision of my life? Yes, I was and it was a horrible decision on my part. I made the biggest mistake of my life and I have regretted it every second for more than six months. But don’t for one fucking second believe or imply that I don’t love you with everything that I am.” I was hurt and angry, fighting sobs and now that he knew, I wanted to leave.

“Look, Jake, I’ll explain everything; I’ll tell you anything you want to hear but not right now. We are both too emotional and I need…”

He cut me off. “You need? I don’t give a shit right now about what you need; I want to know where my children are.” He was back to yelling and I couldn’t do this anymore. I needed to defuse his anger and give him a chance to calm down.

“They’re with Charlie and Billy. I need to get back to feed and bathe them. I told our dads I wouldn’t be that long and it’s been longer than I intended. I know we have a lot to talk about but I told them I’d make them dinner. How would you like to come over to meet your daughters and have some dinner?” He remained silent. I didn’t even want to know what he was thinking.

I turned away from him and made my way to the car. When I reached the door, I turned back to him but kept my eyes on the vehicle.

“Jake, dinner will be done in about an hour and the girls won’t go to bed for another two. If you want to come, great. If you still need time, I understand, but you’re welcome to see them, anytime.” I climbed into the car, started it and backed out, beginning to make my way back to Charlie’s.

During the drive, I went over everything that had just happened. It went badly. I’ve never been so angry with anyone in my entire life. He said things that cut me to the core. Had I not been fighting my own guilt I could have fought back, but I didn’t because I needed and wanted to fix our relationship, if it was even salvageable. I deserved to take his blows so that his anger faded and he would listen to me. If his anger didn’t fade, he would close himself off from listening to me and nothing would be fixed. If he wanted and was still free to be mine, I wanted nothing else. I wanted no one but him; he was my sun and he was the father of my children.

Even if he didn’t want me back, or he imprinted, I would always love him. I had realized long before I left that there was no one else like him in my future. We had a lot of hostility and issues to get through first for the sake of our daughters before we could work on us. They deserved parents who even if they didn’t love one another, they at least got along and were able to work together. I would not move away from Jacob; our girls were not going to be shipped back and forth like I was. They would have a relationship with both parents year round.

The only problem I had with fixing us was I had no idea how to do it. How did I make up for leaving him and taking his children? I had a long uphill battle to face, but I was willing to fight the whole way for him.


	3. First Meetings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella nervously waits for a meeting a long time in coming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is unbeta'd, so all mistakes are mine. I hope you all enjoy.

Driving back to Charlie’s I couldn’t get my nerves in check. I was anxious about Jacob meeting the girls. I didn’t know how he was going to react when he saw them. But in reality I was more worried that he wasn’t going to show up tonight at all. 

I had given him an hour because after the tornado of emotions he was probably going through, I figured he needed time to wolf out and go on a run- surprised he hadn’t during the fight. I had given him so much to deal with, too much. I knew he would handle it all better as a wolf. He had told me once that human emotion was muted to almost nothing as the wolf. But even after his run, would he come?

I couldn’t decide if I wanted him to come more than I was afraid that he wouldn’t.

My emotions were hanging on a precipice. I was about to have an emotional breakdown and just one more thing was going to push me over. I had to calm down and center myself. I couldn’t fall apart, no matter what happened tonight. My girls needed me and I needed to stay strong for them and Jacob. He needed to take his hurt, anger, and feelings of betrayal out on me and I had to let him.

I pulled into Charlie’s drive, got out of the car and went to the trunk. I grabbed the playpen, shouldered the two duffel bags I packed yesterday and brought them to the house. I set everything in the foyer and went back to the car to grab the groceries I had bought the day before and brought them into the kitchen, glad that I hadn’t bought any perishables. I then took the duffel bags and playpen into the living room. As I crossed the threshold to the living room I heard my angels beginning to whimper, I figured it’d be time to feed them now. I walked to the diaper bag and grabbed the two remaining bottles from the cooled compartment and went into the kitchen to warm them, the entire time ignoring the curious stares being thrown my way.

With the bottles warmed I trudged my way back into the living room. I kissed my babies hello. Billy and Charlie both took the bottles from my hand without my prompting. Hopefully feeding the babies would keep them quiet while I got started on dinner.

“Hey you two, do you think you can handle this while I go make us some grub?”

“No problem Bells, you know you don’t have to make us anything, we can get take out. I understand if you’re tired.” Charlie said as he raised his eyes from feeding his granddaughter.

“It’s not a problem; it’s been a while since I’ve made anything for more than myself and it’s my way of saying thanks for watching them.” I turned into the kitchen before anymore could be said.  
In the kitchen I unpacked all the groceries I had brought with me and began searching the pantry, fridge, and freezer for something to make as I put them away. Taking into consideration that if Jacob were to come the quantity I had to make would need to increase significantly. With that in my mind I noticed several pounds of thawed ground beef in the fridge. I was surprised at the amount of food Charlie had on hand. When I had first moved back to Forks the cupboards had been sparse.

After checking, I saw that there was everything there for several meals and I decided on a very large pot of chili. It was easy and one of Charlie’s favorites. Sure it was July but it was Forks and I was chilled having just left a warmer climate. If Jacob didn’t come then there would be plenty of leftovers for Charlie and me for a few days.

I got to work browning the meat and bringing together all the other ingredients. Once the meat was browned I threw everything else into the pot and added the spices to taste. When it was all combined I set the table for four, hoping he’d come tonight. I made my way back to the living room to see if the girls were done eating.

Charlie and Billy were chatting happily to one another while burping the girls. I noticed they had set down the empty bottles; I went to collect them so they could be washed to fill later. On my way back to the kitchen I heard my name called.

“Yeah?” I responded and turned back to the room.

“I was just wondering how your talk with Sam went, you were gone a while and you seem kind of down.” Billy asked quirking an eyebrow. Of course he would ask about this, he knew my meeting was more than a friendly chat with Sam. Ugh, I didn’t want to talk about this. I was nervous and edgy. I couldn’t get my thoughts off Jacob and our fight. Billy was annoyingly perceptive and he’d notice quickly if anything I said was off.

“Umm… my talk with Sam went…great, way better than I expected.” I decided that a quick change of topic might distract the snoopy old men. “Hey Dad, how come you have the kitchen so well stocked? You learn to cook while I was gone?”

Charlie blushed but seemed to ignore my question. “So, if your talk with Sam went well, what has you looking so sad?” God, I was hopping my face wasn’t showing my emotions, guess I wasn’t that lucky. Before I could respond Billy blew me out of the water. 

“How did Jacob take the news, Bella?” Damn that man. He always knew more than he let on. He knew Jacob was there and he probably wanted the confrontation to happen sooner rather than later. 

Nosy old coots, I am not going to give you what you want. I didn’t want to answer, so I decide to deflect. 

“You knew he was there didn’t you?”

He just nodded. “Umm…he wasn’t the most cheerful person I’ve talked to.” I decide being sarcastic was the best option to relieve my tension, Billy didn’t look too pleased. 

I sighed. “He acted exactly as I expected him to. He was angry, stubborn, hurt, shocked, and sad. I didn’t really think I’d get anything different from him.” I decided to come out with it considering I sucked at lying. Billy and Charlie would see through any lie I tried to get past them, especially Billy. I really didn’t want to talk more so I changed the subject.

“I need to clean these,” holding up the bottles, “and fill them and a few others so I have some for tonight and tomorrow morning, if you need me, I’ll be in the kitchen; I’d knock first though before you enter.” With that I turned and went back to the kitchen.

I had decided while making supper that I needed to pump. Fleeing a murderous vamp took a hit on my milk stash and I was filled to the brim. I normally had six or more extra bottles ready to go, but fleeing for an entire day had me using them up. I knew the girls would be hungry in the middle of the night and early morning so I wanted to have bottles to use. There was nothing worse than trying to breast feed two hungry babies at two in the morning. While I knew I could feed them directly from my breast, being a single mother with a full time job got me in the habit of pumping. I just fell in the habit of doing it all the time and pumping at work to build up my stash.

I grabbed the pump and started on filling the newly cleaned bottles. I was on my sixth bottle and very pleased I was able to fill that many, though it had been a long time since I last pumped. I thought I heard the front door and my heart picked up pace at the thought of Jacob and the babies in the same room. I was instantly ten times more apprehensive. 

I waited for the pumping to finish before I went into the living room to call them to dinner. I was expecting to hear voices, to hear Jacob speaking to Billy or Charlie. Yet, I heard nothing. I was a little worried he hadn’t come and I imagined the front door but remained seated. I wanted this bottle full and soon I was done pumping. 

I’d begun to clean myself up when I heard a strangled intake of breath coming from the doorway. I jumped and quickly covered myself. I readjusted everything and slowly turned to the doorway, not really wanting to know who was there. Seeing who it was I groaned. Standing there, taking up the whole doorway, looking like the bronzed Adonis he was- shirtless of course- stood Jacob. Dear Lord. I had gone way to long without seeing the wonder that was before me. God, how I missed it. Every defined muscle on his chest and abdomen was calling to me. 

He was looking at the ground now and his face was tinged in a hint of red and filled with shock and something I couldn’t really see. Maybe…desire…, but that couldn’t have possibly been it. That was probably just me. I just looked at him, silently appraising him. I had been too much of a coward to look at him at Sam’s. He was for the most part still the man I had loved for over a year and been in love with for a year; except anything of the boy I loved before his transformation was gone; all that remained was the hardened mask of a man with too much on his overly full plate. And one of the things I had been trying to avoid by leaving was suddenly dropped in his lap without the months of preparation I had had. I shook my head to clear my thoughts.

“Sorry, I didn’t hear you there…I was just…just trying to get caught up again. I didn’t have much time yesterday. They tend to get hungry in the middle of the night and I needed some filled to have on hand and I wanted to…to get caught up. Sorry you had to see that.” I was babbling and mumbling and I was sure I was eight shades past red. He didn’t say anything and now I wanted out of the room.

“Dinner’s ready if you want to grab a bowl and a seat, I’ll go get the other two.” I stood, grabbed the filled bottles and put them in the fridge. I turned to walk out and noticed he hadn’t moved. I brushed past him, desperately trying not to touch him. Great job Bella first day back and you show him your freaking boobs, real freaking classy. Ugh, why did this have to be so uncomfortable, it’s not like he hasn’t looked at them before, I really wish this was easier. I wanted that comfortable flow back.

Once in the living room, I looked at the two grandpas. They looked so happy and content holding their granddaughters.

“Hey you two, dinner is ready.” I said as I walked up to Billy who held Juliana and grabbed her to place her in her carrier. I smiled at her and then turned to Charlie who was handing me Charlotte, I cooed to her and placed her in her carrier as well. Charlie pushed Billy into the kitchen. I decided to remain in the living room while the men ate. I wanted to stay with the girls and I was using the excuse that there wasn’t room in the kitchen for the four of us and the two carriers. Okay, so I really didn’t want to have to sit there with them for that meal. I’m not sure I’d even be able to eat.

A minute or two later Charlie came back in the room. I had begun to set up the play pen under the big picture window on the opposite side of the room. I didn’t have a crib here and I wanted them to sleep lying down and not in their carriers, they had spent too long in them.

“Bells you coming to eat?” He asked.

“No, I’ll get some once you’re all done in there, no need to leave the girls alone and it’ll be too crowded to bring them in there.” What I said was mostly true and he retreated back to the kitchen. I moved to the couch and sat looking down at the girls.

The moment I sat and before I could occupy myself, I saw that Jacob had walked into the room, looking uncomfortable. I sighed, I really wasn’t ready for this, and I was scared beyond belief, of what I’m not sure. Jacob was meeting his girls, the children he’s had no part of until now. They look so much like him that they take my breath away. I hesitate a little before asking him.

“Would you like to meet them?” I nervously asked, avoiding eye contact. I could always read him so well and I was truly afraid of what I would see. He nodded his head and I motioned for him to sit on the couch. I pulled both carriers closer to me. He sat near me but not close enough to really touch. I leaned over and unhooked the one closest to me.

“This is Charlotte Sarah.” I took her out of her carrier and cradled her in my arms. I held her as he stared at her. He swallowed thickly and a look of awe crossed his face. He reached for one of her tiny curls and twirled his fingers in it. He looked a little hesitant. 

“Do you want to hold her?” He nodded and I slowly placed her in his arms.

“Watch her head, support her neck.” He cradled her in his arms, well arm. Her head and most of her body fit in just his hand and the rest wasn’t even as long as his forearm. I chuckled a little; she had never looked so small before. His eyes shot to me and I quickly dropped my gaze.

“I’m doing ok right?” He asked nervously.

“Great, I just noticed how small she is in your arms.”

He returned to stare at her as she looked up at him. It was the most amazing thing I had ever witnessed, and I was starting to tear up. I could see their connection, it was beautiful. Then I felt incredibly guilty. I had kept them apart; I had prevented this from happening. I selfishly acted on my fears. The day I left, I never considered how important their relationship would be. All I thought about was how it would affect me. After a few minutes of staring at her he cleared his throat.

“So why did you decide to name her Charlotte Sarah?” He asked. Oh shit, I hadn’t even thought of how he’d react to the names. I hoped he liked them; he was on my mind when I named them.

“I…uh…. When I found out I was pregnant I always pictured I was having a boy, then a while later I found out I was having twins. I just figured I was having two boys. I wanted to name one after his grandfathers so he was going to be named Charles William and the other would be Jacob Ephraim. To my surprise when they were born they weren’t boys and so the names wouldn’t work. I decided on Charlotte because it’s the feminine of Charles and instead of William for the middle name I chose Sarah in honor of her grandma. Is that…is that o.k.?” I was mainly asking about the use of his mother’s name more than his like of the name in general.

“I love it, thank you, does she have a nickname?”I smiled, glad he approved and thinking of her nicknames.

“Yeah, I call her Peanut, but her babysitter calls her Charlie.” I chuckled thinking of the confusion that would cause. I let him look at her for a while longer and I thought he would like to meet her sister.

“Do you want to meet her sister now?” He nodded and I took Charlotte and placed her back in her carrier and gave her, her pacifier. I unhooked Juliana, pulled her out and handed her to Jacob.

“This is Juliana Emilia.” He had the same look he had looking at Charlotte :awe, amazement. I couldn’t let this moment pass; I reached down into the diaper bag and grabbed my camera. I took a picture of the beautiful site in front of me.

“Why’d you pick Juliana Emilia, I mean I know no one in either of our families with those names?” He asked genuinely curious.

“Well I told you she was to be named Jacob Ephraim, after you and as much as I love that name, it wouldn’t have worked out well for a girl. I chose a first name that corresponded with Jacob. I liked Juliana, and I wanted her middle to be after someone we both loved and was in our lives so I chose Emilia, after Emily. Since she couldn’t have the same name as you, she still has the same initials. Her nicknames are Jules and Lil’ Bean.”

“Lil’ Bean and peanut, where’d you get those?” he asked curious with amusement in his voice. I blushed.

“Oh, um…when I first saw the ultrasound, the baby looked like a little bean, and the name stuck throughout my pregnancy. When I found out I was having twins they were more developed and I didn’t want to call them both Lil’ Bean so I called the other Peanut. Jules was born first so I gave her Lil’ Bean and Charlotte, Peanut.” He nodded his head and continued to look at her. I saw the same connection he had with Charlotte.

“Bella…” he began but hesitated. I could tell what he wanted to say was serious so I cut in. I didn’t want it to ruin the happy moment.

“We’ll talk later; just take some time to get to know them. I’m going into the kitchen to get a bite to eat, if you need anything just holler, okay?” He nodded, and I moved Charlotte closer to him and handed him Juliana’s pacifier.

I marched into the kitchen picked up my empty bowl and went to the stove to fill it with chili. I sat down and tried to ignore the smiling fools at the table while I ate. It worked for a while but soon their goofy grins made eating impossible.

“What?” I asked annoyed. Setting my spoon back in my bowl and I looked up to glare at them. Those two were the worse gossips I knew, they could put Jessica Stanley to shame; they were up to something and I didn’t like it. Their smiles grew but they continued to stare and remain silent.

“Ok you two get your little girly grins off your faces and tell me what’s up with you?” I asked indignantly. I heard booming laughter come from the living room; we were both thinking the same thing about our gossipers. The sound made my heart sing and my face light up. Billy and Charlie both broke out into chuckles.

“We heard what you said about naming the girls and we really feel honored that you wanted to name them after us.” Charlie said with an enormous smile on his face, one of the biggest I’d witnessed. If I didn’t know those two so well I would’ve believed that’s what they were on about, but seeing as I did, their back and forth looks and grins said they were for a different reason. Looking at both Billy and Charlie I knew that I wasn’t going to get it out of them, so I dropped it.

“Of course I would want to name my children after the people that mean most to me and to them. It made me feel that I had a piece of each of you with me.”  
“Well thank you all the same, Bella. I’m sure Sarah would’ve been honored that you gave her granddaughter her name.” Billy said somewhat sadly.

“No Billy, its Charlotte’s honor to carry the name of the woman who loved so well and raised such amazing children, your son if proof enough; I just wish she was here to see her grandchildren.” My eyes were teary, stupid hormones.

To avoid anymore mushiness that would have me crying buckets I finished eating quickly. I noticed that after I left Jacob in the kitchen to eat, he hadn’t, so I filled three bowls for him and set them aside. Then I put the remaining chili in the fridge for leftovers. I did the dishes and cleaned the sinks. The girls needed baths tonight and considering their size, the sink was the best bet since I left the baby bath at my apartment, 22 hours away.

Just as I finished up in the kitchen, I heard a baby begin to cry. Before I even made a step towards them, my name was yelled.

“Bella!” Jacob called out panic clear in his voice. The moment I entered the room I saw that it was Juliana who was crying. 

“What’d I do? I didn’t hurt her did I? We were just sitting here and she burst into tears. Why’s she crying?” The panic that was in his voice had risen and was all over his face as he looked at her desperately. I would have laughed had he not looked so scared.

“Jake calm down, it’s okay. Put her up to your shoulder, it’s most likely gas. There you go, now gently pat her back.” While he was burping Juliana I heard the tell tale sounds of Charlotte grunting and groaning. That had Jacob’s attention in a micro second. I guess he was going to get the crash course on diaper changing tonight.

“Is she okay?” Again there was fear in his voice. I would have to get used to this version of Jacob. He normally showed fear of nothing; but he had no experience with babies. This was all new to him and happening at once, and he was also a wolf. He always worried his strength would hurt someone, especially someone close to him. That fear had to be magnified by holding his tiny, very young, fragile children. Also because he was a wolf, he is a born protector, all his instincts point to do just that, protect. It’s his instinct to keep his offspring safe and happy. It must really upset the wolf when they are crying or cranky. Not to mention the general unease of being a new parent. I was probably ten times worse the first week after I left the hospital. I had to calm him down.

“Jake she’s okay, it’s nothing, she’ll need a diaper change in a few minutes. You’re doing fine. You have to try to keep calm, you can’t freak out, they sense that and they’ll get upset. It’s okay when they cry, they’re just telling you they need something. You’re not going to hurt them. You always told me you’d never hurt me and I know you’ll never hurt them.” He visibly relaxed except his face. He was now resting his cheek on Juliana’s head and looking at Charlotte. His face was filled with worry, apprehension and hurt.

“Jake no one expects you to know how to do this. It’s okay to worry, you’re their dad, it’s innate for you. I can promise you that you will make mistakes but they won’t care because they will know you love them and they won’t remember. You’re learning. You should have seen how much I worried my first weeks.” More hurt crossed his face and his eyes harden at the last comment.  
Charlotte was done with her business but soon Juliana started up. They needed to be changed and bathed. I looked up at the clock, it was nearing their bedtime.

“Since they both need to be changed and they need their baths, how about we change them, give them their baths, and dress them for bed.”

He had been scared he’d hurt them and I needed to show him that he wouldn’t. He also had to learn how to take care of them. His eyebrows rose as I mentioned everything I wanted him to do, but quickly returned to their normal hardened state.

“Okay, but you’ll have to show me how.” Nervousness laced his voice.

“I will.” I picked up the diaper bag and brought it to the center of the room and took out everything I needed to change them. I spread the pad out and grabbed Charlotte in her carrier and set her by the pad.

“Come sit by the pad and I’ll show you what to do with Charlotte and you can do it yourself with Jules.” He got up and moved to sit by my side. I realized that I hadn’t gotten the bath water ready and having two naked babies waiting for the sink to fill was dangerous.

“I got to get the bath water ready. I’ll be right back and we’ll get started.” I stood, went to the duffel with their things and grabbed two baby towels along with the baby shampoo. I marched into the kitchen and made my way to the sinks. I started running the water to get it to the right temperature and filled both sinks, set everything on the counter and returned to the living room, ignoring the glances.

Sitting down again by Jacob I pulled Charlotte out and placed her on the changing pad. I showed Jacob how to take the outfit off. I showed him how to clean her up once the diaper is off and how to roll up the dirty diaper. Once she was done I laid her on her outfit next to the pad, so that if she peed it was no biggy, I had to wash it anyways.

“Okay, lay her down on the pad and do what I did. Once you’re done we’ll bring them in the kitchen.” He nodded and moved the pad, set her down and did what I had just done. He was extremely careful in his movements, with a look of extreme concentration.

Once he was done we picked up the girls and went to the kitchen. I nodded to Billy and Charlie and went to grab two wash cloths and poured some shampoo in the water.  
“We’re going to put both in at the same time. You’ll have to hold her head and neck, keep her stable with one hand and wash her with the other, okay?” I took two glasses out of the cupboard and added one to each sink and placed Charlotte in one sink, Jacob placed Jules in the other.

He followed my movements on Jules while I washed Charlotte. Once they were washed I handed him a towel and drained the sinks and I picked up Charlotte and wrapped the towel around her, Jacob did the same with Juliana and we wrapped them up. I smiled at Charlie and Billy as we walked back into the living room to diaper and dress the girls. We dressed them in onesies and placed them in the play pen under a light blanket. Once they were settled I made my way to the couch and plopped down. I rested my head on the arm rest and closed my eyes. I was exhausted, and sighed, my day wasn’t finished. Yet I still had to talk to Jacob.

“Bella?” I heard Jacob ask.

“Hmm.” I was really too tired to open my eyes yet, when we started talking I would attempt to or I could talk with my eyes closed.

“When was the last time you slept?” Okay, I wasn’t expecting that question for our conversation but I really had to think about it.

“What time is it?”

“Quarter after nine.”

“Just under 40 hours ago then.”

“Okay, we really need to talk but your too tired to have any talk right now. Get some sleep and we’ll talk tomorrow.” Jacob said quietly.

“Sounds good, let me just go say goodnight.” I got up off the couch and walked into the kitchen.

“Dad I’m going to bed. I think I’m going to sleep on the couch so I’m close to the girls so that when they wake up they don’t wake you up.” I said in a yawn.

“Okay Bells you get some sleep and tomorrow we’ll talk.” Charlie said looking pointedly toward me. Oh yay, another conversation I can look forward to. I just humbly nodded my head. I left the kitchen and went to my room. I tried not thinking about the last time I was here and quickly grabbed a blanket and my pillow. I returned to the living room to set up the couch. In the living room I saw Billy looking intently at the babies who thankfully had fallen asleep.

“I’ll see you soon my two beautiful angels. Maybe your mom can bring you two down and she and I can talk.” The look Billy gave me meant that there was no room for protest. What was this: let’s have several emotional tense conversations with Bella in less than two days? Did they really think I could handle that or were they trying to see how fast I’d break? I just nodded.

Charlie wheeled Billy outside which left me and Jacob alone again. I turned to the couch to finish making it up for the night. When I finished I saw that Jacob was staring enraptured at the girls, a small smile turning the corners of his mouth, he leaned over and placed a small kiss on each of their heads. Again guilt stabbed me, as he stood he started turning to me, I quickly dropped my eyes.

“Bella, tomorrow.” He said with finality. I was not going to get out of the talk, I knew that and I didn’t really want to, he was just the only one I wanted to have.

“Yeah, tomorrow.” I wasn’t looking forward to the other talks I was going to have to have. There was only so much emotional turmoil I could stand at one time, I had a feeling I would find out how far I could be pushed. I needed to sleep so I lay down on the couch and curled up. If I was going to face the gauntlet then I needed to get my rest. I pulled the blanket up and watched as Jacob again bent over to kiss each girl and then he ran a finger along the cheek of each. He stood, turned and walked out. A few moments later Charlie walked in. He walked up to me, kissed my head as Jacob kissed the girls, and stood.

“Goodnight Bella.”

“Night, Dad.” I replied blankly. I was still stuck on the fact Jacob left without saying goodbye or really acknowledging me after telling me of the talk we would have. I hated this strain between us. There was this tension that was pulling on my every nerve and stabbing my heart. It made it hard to breathe and concentrate, I wanted us back. I wanted Jacob and Bells back; the natural flow of our relationship. I wanted my best friend back; but I wasn’t naïve enough to believe that was possible after everything. I had a long walk ahead of me and with more than one person, I wasn’t sure I had the energy or the sure footedness to make that journey, but I’d find it somewhere I had no choice.

Not long after Charlie climbed the stairs to go to bed, I tried to sleep but like every night since I found out I was pregnant my thoughts drifted back to Jacob and the pain; and like normal I silently cried myself to sleep where I dreamed of the life I lost when I left, and the trust I destroyed.


	4. The Day of Surprises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two surprises show up at Bella's door.

When Charlie came down in the morning dressed in his uniform I woke.  It surprised me that it took him coming down to wake me, with two babies I had become a light sleeper.  A glance at the clock told me that I’d only been asleep two short hours.  The girls had stayed awake for an hour and a half after their feeding despite only giving me three hours of sleep previously. Thankfully, I heard their whimpers before they woke Charlie with their cries.  Charlie saw that I was awake and gave me a pointed look.  I knew he wanted to talk, but right now I was too tired.  I hoped he would let me off until tonight, until after I talked to Jacob and so I could get a few more hours of sleep.  God must have been smiling on me, or at least took pity.

“Bells go back to sleep.  We’ll talk tonight after I get off work.  If you need anything today, call the station.  They’ll know where to find me,”  he said cheerfully.  He went about his morning breakfast routine and left.  Soon, I was back asleep.

I woke later to a repeated pounding.  I couldn’t place it, I was confused in a sleep haze.  I sat up slowly and the pounding continued.  I quickly realized it was someone knocking at the front door.  Confused at who it could be I got up and stumbled towards the door.  I was shocked by who was on the other side.

“Hello, Bella.”

“Uh…hey. Hi, Em, Rach.  What brings you by?”  My voice was full of apprehension.   I knew why they were here, I just didn’t know how much they knew or how they felt about it all, especially their feeling about me. While any feelings were entirely valid, I just couldn’t stand it, if another person hated me.

“Good to see you too, Bella,” Rachel said sarcastically. “I heard that there are two new Blacks I need to meet,” she said with a small smile curling her lips but her eyes remained tight.  I swallowed thickly.  Why did I have a feeling today was the day of release?  A day where everything I’d been holding back since I left was going to tumble out whether I wanted it to or not?

“Oh yeah, I figured you’d heard.  Come in.” I moved over to motion them inside.  “They’re asleep right now but they will wake up soon.  I’m going to have some breakfast, have you eaten?”

I turned and walked to the kitchen. I grabbed a bowl and filled it with cereal.  I sat at the table and they followed.  I ate quickly and put my bowl in the sink. The whole time I ate they remained silent, just watching me.

“We ate already. We fed the pack this morning.”  Emily said.  I sighed. I knew that meant they had a pack meeting, which also meant they had discussed me and my situation.  Most likely everything I had told Sam and Jake was pack knowledge.  Everyone knew I was back with my children, still chased by the red head vamp.  I was a little thankful that they knew even though I had wanted to be the one to tell them, especially the women of the pack. Before I left we had all become close friends and I owed them the truth almost as much as I did Jacob.  I owed them more than I owed the rest of the pack.  They were there for me when I wasn’t able to be there for myself.  Now I knew they’d been told. I just needed to know what they were told.

“So…what have you heard?” I asked hesitantly.

“Well, you got knocked up, got scared, ran away and the leech found you so you ran back with two bitty bundles in tow.  Had a major argument with Jake, he took off and went wolf.  That’s about it,” Rachel said, her tone indignant and angry.  Everything I’d said to Sam and Jake, they were told.  I’m sure I didn’t have ground to stand on with them.  I was nervous and I decided to attempt to make amends, though I didn’t deserve it.

“I know what I’m about to say won’t ever make up for what I did. But I’m so very sorry for leaving the way I did.  You both mean so much to me and I heedlessly and selfishly left when it became too much for me. I didn’t even think about another way to do things and I never considered who I was hurting.  I was blinded by my fear. I’m not going to ask you to forgive me right now because I don’t deserve it and I haven’t earned it.” 

The whole time I spoke I didn’t look at them.  I stared at the grain of the wood on the table and realized there was a pattern emerging in my own actions of late.  When talking to people I couldn’t look at them, for fear of the accusations and pain I’d see in their eyes.  Pain I’d put there.  I had hurt so many people with my actions and the guilt from doing so was preventing me from making eye contact.  I was a giant coward.

Before they could say anything or I could chance looking up, one of the babies began to cry.  I quickly hopped up, glad for the distraction and went to grab her.  I picked her up and put her on the diaper pad still on the floor.  After grabbing a change of clothes out of the duffel bag, I changed and dressed her for the day.  I placed her in the carrier with a pacifier in her mouth.  I went back to the play pen and noticed her sister was awake.  I changed and dressed her too and placed her in her carrier.  I moved into the kitchen and warmed two bottles. I knew that I would have to pump again, I was full and my supply would run out.  I turned to the two women staring at me.

I hoped what I asked them would pave the way to some forgiveness. “Would you like to help feed them?”

They jumped up quickly with giant smiles and I think one might have squealed.  They followed me and sat expectantly on the couch.  I handed each a warmed bottle followed by a baby.

They sat a while just looking at the baby they were feeding. I had gone into the kitchen and grabbed the pump and four empty bottles.  I returned to the living room and sat in the chair.  I covered myself with a blanket and began pumping. I could have gone in the kitchen again like the previous night, but I knew that Rachel and Emily wanted to talk. Pumping in the kitchen would only make the situation worse.

“So what are their names?” Rachel asked not taking her eyes off her niece.  I was confused; I thought they were told everything I had said.

“Did…  Weren’t you told their names?”  They shook their heads.  Why wouldn’t Jake or Billy tell them?  They must have seen my confusion.

“Bella we haven’t seen Jake since he left Sam’s last night and I haven’t talked to Dad.”  Rachel responded. 

Why the hell haven’t they seen Jake, he was always at pack meetings.  He rarely, if ever, passed up on Emily’s cooking.  I put that thought on the back burner until later.  I looked down at who each woman was holding and smiled a little. How apt.  Then I felt a pang of worry, would Rachel be mad that I had used her mother’s name and how would Emily feel? 

 Looking at Rachel, I told her, “You’re holding Charlotte Sarah.”  I studied her expression, but she gave nothing away.  I felt I should explain my reasoning.

“I used Sarah for her middle name so that if you or Rebecca wanted to use the name for a daughter, you two still have that option.   I didn’t want to take that from you, she was your mother.” I was apprehensive that she or Rebecca would be upset with my choice.

“Bella I’m not mad, like you seem to think I am about the choice.  I’m happy she has my mother’s name.  Becks and I wouldn’t have been mad if her first name had been Sarah, she’s Jacob’s daughter. He has every right to have his daughter named after our mother.”  I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I had been holding.  My heart rate slowly returned to normal.  I came to the realization that for the next couple days every conversation was going to be an emotional rollercoaster.

“What’s her name?” Emily asked of the girl she held.  Her smile hadn’t left and she was fingering the curls at the top of the baby’s head.

“Juliana Emilia, I named her after Jake and you.”

 Her eyes got big.  “Me, why?”

“I wanted to name my children after people who were important to me and their father.  You are a mother to the pack, you love all those boys like children and you are my best friend.  You accepted me with an open heart when I had no right to expect that.  I had no right to that secret.  You were there for me when I couldn’t be there for myself.  You loved me, so why wouldn’t I name her after you.”

After what seemed like hours a long and shocked silence was broken.

“Thank you Bella.”  Emily said happily.

“No, thank you Emily, for all you’ve done.”  Before I could continue she interrupted.

“Why’d you leave Bella?  When I spoke to Sam he said you had reasons for leaving us, and when you were telling Jake, you said you were scared.  Can you please tell us why you left?”  I guessed we weren’t going to work up to the hard stuff.

“Well, Emily, Rachel, I want to tell you my reasons, tell you everything I was going through.  I really would but I need to tell Jacob first.  He needs to know before everyone, he deserves to know before anyone.  It’s the least I owe him.  Once he does I promise I’ll tell you.”  I did want to tell Emily, I wanted to confide in her, my fears of the future.  I wanted to get reassurance they were justified, that even if my fleeing was stupid, my reasons weren’t wrong, because I truly believed Jacob would believe they were.  I needed her to tell me though my fears were justified and that I had just overreacted.  I needed her support.

Yet, I feared even she wouldn’t truly understand my fears.  She had Sam, she was assured from the beginning that he could never leave her or resent her.  She could do no wrong in his eyes.  Emily could empathize with my situation but she could never sympathize.  She had never been abandoned by love like I had been; she couldn’t understand the scars that left on my heart.  She couldn’t understand the pain and uncertainty that being left brought.  She couldn’t understand the unworthiness imprinting or the lack there of brought.  Sadly, neither could Rachel or Kim.  Of course Emily understood physical pain and scars caused by the one you loved but the emotional wounds were much worse.

“I understand Bella, but please talk to him soon.  He needs it, we all need it and I want my friend back,” she said looking down at the baby. The end of her statement struck me.  She wanted to be friends again?

“You…want…?”  I couldn’t even finish the thought in my head let alone get it out of my mouth.  I figured after my hasty departure I would forever remain on the outside of the pack, never one truly allowed into the sanctum, but if Emily or Rachel accepted and forgave me, it was the first step at something I didn’t think I deserved. Eventually, I’d have my family back and I’d never let them go.  As much as I wanted to let that hope flow through me, I couldn’t.  I lost one family forever, once.  I  didn’t know if I’d lost this one yet, if I did, I didn’t know what I’d do.  They made me a better me, they let me feel like I belonged and was enough, not like I was tagging along and trying to fit into a world I didn’t belong in.

“Bella you are my best friend, and besides Kim, you were the first female involved in this life, in this pack.  You understood my worries like the boys didn’t, you know how dangerous this life is for them because you were involved in it yourself.  We shared an understanding of this life together.  For a long while it was us three against those boys.  I love you and I already love your girls but I have to know what happened to make you leave to forgive you, but I swear I will forgive you.”

By the time she was finished tears had formed in my eyes.  The hope that I had pushed away and tried to keep from forming reignited with full force.  Yet, I didn’t really think I deserved to be forgiven this quickly or easily, I had hurt them all, made them worry and wonder.  Worries I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know about but, like them, I needed to know.  I needed to know what I had done to them, just like they needed to know why I left and what that life alone was like for me.

I rubbed at my eyes to push the tears back, calmed my frayed nerves and looked at both, especially Rachel who was uncharacteristically silent.

“I’ll tell you what I told Charlie and Billy last night, but I want you to know that what I’m telling you is not all of it and you will get the rest later - after.”  They nodded and I recounted what I had said the previous day.  By the time I was done I again had tears in my eyes. 

I decided I didn’t want to cry anymore with them.  They agreed and they began grilling me about my pregnancy; what it was like, what cravings I had, if I was I scared. I shared with them the lighter stuff, leaving the more depressing aspects of my time away for later. During the talk I got up and took two photos out of my purse, photos I have carried every day since they were given to me.  I handed them the copy of my first ultrasound and the one taken later that showed me carrying twins.  When they asked about my labor and delivery, I was as vague as possible; I didn’t want to remember that experience.

Soon the babies needed to be changed.  I changed them and handed Rachel, Jules and Emily, Charlotte.

I leaned back against the chair and relaxed a little as I realized it had been a while since I had last showered.  By myself I wasn’t really going to get the chance to, so I decided to take advantage of the two adults in the room.

“Hey, do you two mind if I run up and shower?  It’s been a while and it would be a lot easier if someone was here to watch the babies while I did so.

“Sure, go right ahead.”  Emily replied.

I grabbed my bag that was still in the living room and raced upstairs to the bathroom.  I stood, enjoying the warmth and familiarity of this shower.  I let the water melt away all the tension from my situation.  While the water flowed I could relax and ignore the insipid nagging ache in my heart and the troubled thoughts about Jacob.  I had questions about what my absence was like for him, but I was too afraid of the truth to ask.  Sometimes ignorance is bliss and I wanted to keep all the bliss I could.

I quickly finished my shower, dried off and reached for the duffel I had brought with me.  I stared down at the clothes that I actually packed.  I frowned.  I had only packed two days’ worth and none of it was an adequate choice for Forks.  I picked the better of the two outfits and dressed.

I made my way down and both Rachel and Emily must have noticed my frown.

“Bella what’s wrong?”  Emily asked.

“Oh it’s nothing really.  Silly even, considering.  I just looked through the clothes I brought with me and noticed my disappointing packing skills.” They looked at me in confusion.

“In my rush to get out of dodge and get back, I packed quickly without much thought for me and the girls.  I didn’t really look at what I was doing and my choices weren’t the best for Forks nor was it near enough.  I’m just trying to figure out what I’m going to do for clothes for me and the girls.”

“How much is not enough?” Rachel asked.

“Well with what I’m wearing and what I already wore I have one outfit left and I don’t even know what I have for the girls.”

“You have three days worth of clothes?”  Emily asked shocked.

I nodded. “Yeah, I was a bit more concerned with getting back here as quickly as possible.  I left pretty much everything back at my apartment.”  Which was true, everything I had purchased or brought with me when I fled was in my apartment.  I had no choice but to leave it all and now I had no clue on how to replace it.

“Oh,” was all Emily said as she shared a look with Rachel.  They seemed to be sharing a conversation with their eyes. A small smile slowly formed on both their faces and a maniacal glint formed in their eyes.  Needless to say I was scared.

“Do you have plans tomorrow Bella?”  Emily asked sweetly not lessening my fear.

“No,” I replied stretching the word out and belaying my hesitancy of what they were up to.  I had seen that look from them only a few times before and it never ended well.

“Good then tomorrow you and the girls are coming with Rachel, Kim and I and we are going shopping.”  Yep, I was right, scary.

Emily, though nowhere near the shopaholic Alice was, at times had come close.  I had a feeling that I was not going to get out of this and I missed them so much I was willing to put up with this torture.

“Okay,” I replied still hesitant for what they had planned and at the looks in their eyes.

“But just so you know, I really don’t have all that much money in my checking account and I have to get the babies some stuff considering I left most of it.”  I had no idea where I was going to get the money to replace everything I left.  I knew I was going to have to look for a job and a babysitter but I didn’t have enough to tide me over, even with Charlie letting me live here.  The need for a job outweighed my choices in Forks.  I knew I need more hours and pay than my previous job offered and plenty more than Newton’s offered and my abrupt departure wouldn’t sit well with any employers in town.  God, couldn’t anything be taken off my ever growing list. 

“That’s fine.  What do you need for the girls, and what did you leave behind?”  Rachel asked.

I quickly went into everything that I would eventually need that I had left behind and then told them some of the things for myself that had also been left behind.  I sighed and looked up at the clock and noticed it was lunch time.

“Are you two hungry?”  I asked and they nodded.  I got up and began making my way to the kitchen when Rachel called out to me.

“Why don’t we go to the diner and get something.  One less thing for you to do.  My treat?”  She asked.

I was extremely hesitant to reply.  As much as I wanted not to cook, the thought of going into public now was a bit too much. I had no clue what had been whispered about me since my departure.  I knew the moment that I was seen with the babies, the rumors would run rampant and few would probably be true.  Not wanting a spectacle didn’t help with the thought that I knew I had to get back out and into the world.  I had hidden myself for nearly seven months.   I couldn’t hide anymore; I couldn’t hide my girls like I was ashamed of them.  I had to stand up for myself, something I didn’t do when Edward left.  If I couldn’t stand up to relative strangers, how could I expect to stand up to my family, make them understand why I thought it best to leave?  I wouldn’t allow Forks to walk all over me like they had done in the past.

“Bella?”

“What…yeah, sure, let’s go.  Let me grab a few bottles for the girls and their diaper bag and then we can go.”

I went to the kitchen, put the bottles that I had filled away and grabbed two from the fridge.  I packed the diaper bag and turned to help Rachel and Emily secure the babies in their car seats.

I picked up the diaper bag, my purse and one of the carriers and made my way to pick up the other when Rachel picked it up instead, with a smile.  I took a quick look outside and saw it was sprinkling.  I needed to cover the girls.  I set down the carrier I was carrying and made my way to the playpen to grab two light blankets.  I handed one to Rachel and took the other to cover the one I was going to carry.  I then picked up the carrier and the five of us made our way to my car.

I moved to the back of my car and placed the carrier I held in its holder, then I moved to the other side of the car, took the carrier from Rachel and placed it in its holder.  Rachel climbed in the open space in the back seat and I made my way to the driver’s door pulling out my keys on the way.  Once we were all settled. I backed out and began the drive to the diner.

On the way, my nerves grew.  I tried to ignore them, to push them away, to no avail.  I would no longer have my secret and I would be placed front and center for public scrutiny.  Once I stepped through those doors it would only be a short amount of time before all of Forks and La Push knew my secret.

We pulled up, climbed out, and I let a huge breath out in an attempt to calm myself.

“It’s okay Bella.”  I nodded at Emily’s attempt to reassure, not trusting my voice to my nerves.

I grabbed one carrier, the diaper bag and my purse while Rachel grabbed the other.  We then made our way into the diner.  The moment I stepped in, silence fell over the once roaring diner.  I looked around and everyone’s eyes were on me.  Emily and Rachel quickly found a booth and I followed, my gaze now trained on the floor.  I slid in first and placed the carrier and diaper bag in the seat next to me and I put my purse in the diaper bag.  Rachel slid into the opposite side and put the carrier she held in the seat next to her while Emily sat in next to me. I figured that was to prevent me from accomplishing the escape attempt I was planning.

Even though we had sat down I could still feel every pair of eyes in the diner drilling into me.  The blush I was so familiar with rose with a vengeance.  As if ear plugs were pulled from my ears, a booming roar of whispers ensued.  My blush continued to rise as I heard some of the things said, I wanted nothing more than to leave.  This was definitely the reason Emily had sat next to me.  Was I really that predictable? 

I tried to keep myself busy in the attempt to ignore the hum of rumors forming around me.  Humiliation was burning through me.  Never before, not even for a second, had I been ashamed about having gotten pregnant at nineteen and been unmarried - that was until this very moment.  I really wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole.

“Mind your own god damned business and leave the girl alone!” Rachel yelled to the prying crowd.  I was never so thankful to have her in my life.  The diner horde quieted quickly and went back to their murmured conversations, their stares finally leaving me.

“Thanks Rach.”

“No problem, Bella.”

The waitress finally made her way to our table and took our orders.  I asked for a large glass filled with hot water so I could warm the bottles.  She came back with our drinks and the hot water.  Just as I finished warming the second bottle to feed Juliana I heard the bell of the door chime. Reflexively, I looked up at who entered and groaned.

Walking through the door were several of my high school classmates; all cheerful and laughing until they took me in and the baby in my arms, then their eyes grew exponentially.  I quickly began feeding Jules.

“Bella?”  Angela asked with unadulterated shock in her voice while she threw quizzical looks at Mike, Jessica and Ben behind her.

“Hey guys, how are you?”  I replied as casually as my voice would allow.  Rachel just raised her eyebrow in question.  She looked so much like her brother in that moment my heart stuttered.  Yeah I knew, this so wasn’t a casual situation.

“Wow, Bella when did you get back?”  Angela asked the others still seemed unable to speak at the moment.  I dropped my eyes to the bottle to see how much was left and so I could avoid the intense gazes of my distant friends.

“I…um…just got back yesterday.”  I answered as I looked back up to see their wide eyes darting back and forth between Charlotte, Juliana and me.

“Wow…you’re…you…you’re a mom?”  Mike asked.

“Apparently?”  I asked.  Wasn’t it obvious?

“Since when,” Jessica scoffed.

“Two months tomorrow.”  I replied, trying to focus on feeding the baby in my arms.  I didn’t miss the look that passed between Rachel and Emily after that statement.

“Oh cool, they’re so tiny and cute.”  Angela beamed.  I smiled back at her, thankful for her happy presence.

“So whose are they?  Jacob Black’s?”  Mike asked curtly.

My jaw dropped.  Was he seriously implying that I didn’t know who the father of my children were?  I knew he was sore loser when I started dating Jacob but to make such a hurtful accusation and in front of the entire diner and said person’s sister was low.  I was too shocked to speak.

“Are you blind?  Isn’t that obvious dickwad?  Of course they’re my brother’s. Christ, can you be any more inconsiderate?”  Rachel spat.  God I loved her.  Thankfully, Mike had the decency to look abashed.

“Sorry, Bella, I really didn’t mean anything by it.  Well…I just… We just heard you…left.  Everyone was really worried.  Sorry,” he finished shyly.  Not that I really accepted his explanation.

“Yes I left, and had babies.  It doesn’t mean they weren’t Jake’s,” I finished, not wanting to say more.  I heard Charlotte whimpering and dropped my eyes to her.

“Rach, she needs to be burped,” I said as I handed her a burping cloth from the diaper bag.

Blessedly the moment I spoke the waitress came to the table with our food.  As Jules finished her bottle I moved her up to my shoulder so that I could burp her and eat.  I had lost my appetite from the atmosphere in the diner and I wanted to leave.  I had been subjected to enough humiliation at the hands of Forks’ finest and I needed to retreat to my house where I could avoid the world.  Wasn’t it enough that I had to face Jacob and Charlie today?  Now I had to face everyone else too?  And with that thought a painful realization came to light.

Renée.

 I hadn’t called her yet.  Shit.  I hadn’t really had the time since my return but I knew I needed to call her immediately; she was another person on my long list of people I had abandoned.  That really wasn’t a conversation I was willing to have over the phone.  I mean how do you tell your mother you’re a mom after disappearing for nearly seven months.  A mother who drilled into your skull the horror that was young motherhood and marriage?  I was sort of praying I wouldn’t have to and that Charlie would call her and tell her for me.  I knew I couldn’t let him do that as much as a part of me wished it.  So now I had to add another person to my list of confrontations. That hole in the ground was starting to sound really nice right about now.

I felt a bit bad for ignoring my former classmates but I knew Mike and especially Jessica would have a field of questions for me, questions I really didn’t want to answer.  I had made an attempt to mend the friendships after my horrible zombie days but the friendships showed their scars.  It didn’t really help that even before I started dating Jake I spent the majority of my free time in La Push.  It was really hard to reconcile the supernatural aspects of my life with my regular, blissfully unaware, human friends.  It was easier to be with Jacob and the pack because they were of that world and understood my life.  And the questions Mike and Jessica would pummel me with would most likely require me to lie to hide the supernatural aspects of my decisions.  I didn’t want to lie, so avoidance was the key.

After our food arrived and my four classmates had retreated to their own table; Emily, Rachel and I ate in relative silence.  I could tell that they wanted to talk to me more.  Their furtive glances gave that much away, but I was no longer in the spilling mood.  I held Jules tighter and kept glancing at Charlotte while eating silently.

Both Emily and Rachel gave me wide eyed looks at the amount of food I was eating.  They didn’t seem to not realize that I was eating for three.  It took a lot to keep myself full in order to feed my babies, especially two wolf pups.  My girls definitely had their daddy’s appetite.

“Wow Bella, you can really pack it in now.”  Emily said with laughter in her voice.  I was a bit miffed.

“Well I feed three, two of which are Jake’s hungry pups.  Can you really blame me?”  I laughed.

Emily’s face filled with understanding, She knew what it was like to feed wolves.  I was sure she got the picture.

Soon we had all finished eating and I then began to pack Jules up along with the bottles into the diaper bag.

“Bella, do you want to leave?” Rachel asked curiously.

“Yes, the sooner the better,” I replied.

With raised eyebrows she silently handed Emily her purse and then placed Charlotte in the carrier and got up to go pay for the meal.  Emily moved to the other side to grab Charlotte’s carrier. As soon as Juliana was secure, I slid out of the booth with the diaper bag draped on my shoulder while pulling Juliana’s carrier with me and then began to make my way to my car.  I couldn’t really get out of there any quicker.  Sadly, I could hear the quiet murmuring and hushed whispers as I left.  Lunch felt ten times worse than my first days at Forks High or the weeks and months after Edward left, combined.  I felt like the town pariah and sadly I probably was.  What was the big deal about teen pregnancy?

I buckled Jules into the holder in the back of the car and climbed in the back waiting for the others.  I was agitated and antsy. With all of the stares thrown my way I was made painfully aware of the conversations I still had to have today.

I watched absentmindedly as Rachel leaned into the back seat and placed Charlotte into the holder.  She moved to the passenger seat and buckled up while Emily sat in the driver seat; I wasn’t able to drive in my current state of mind.  My thoughts were frantically racing from Jacob’s and my upcoming ‘discussion’ and on what I was going to tell Renée.  I was blissfully pulled from my mixed up thoughts.

“So Bella where do you want to go now?”  Emily asked from the driver’s seat.

Currently that was a somewhat loaded question.  My first instinctual response was to answer with bristled sarcasm, ‘To the bottom of a very deep dark hole’.  I squashed that comment knowing sarcasm wasn’t needed today.  It would lighten the mood considerably, much to my pleasure.  I wanted to go to a lot of places.  I wanted to go back to where I was.  It was simple there, no drama, no excessive emotional pain, no death sentence hanging over my head, it was just plain peaceful.  I really wanted to go back in time to the day I started this whole mess and make me change my mind, so that I wouldn’t leave.  I wanted to go to bed for a week without waking up but none of these things would do, none of them would fix the mess I made.  The answer was not where I wanted to go but to where I needed to go.  It was time to fix the mess I called my life.

“Just take me back to Charlie’s; I need to wait for Jake,” I finally replied

They both nodded in understanding.  The rest of the short ride was silent with Emily looking at the road ahead, Rachel looking back at her nieces and me staring out the back window - all of us in quiet thought.

We arrived back at Charlie’s five minutes later.  With a hefty sigh I climbed out pulling Juliana’s carrier with me while slinging the diaper bag over my shoulder, and trudged to the porch.  I knew Rachel would grab Charlotte so I didn’t move to grab her too.  The weight on my shoulders increased with each step I took and a heavy sense of dread filled all my senses as I stepped through the front door.

Emily was right on my heels with Rachel slightly farther back carrying Charlotte.  I patiently waited for Rachel to catch up and stepped further into the foyer.  When we were all in I grabbed the carrier Rachel held and proceeded to the living room.  The girls needed changing and a nap.  I was going to join them on that last endeavor.

I rounded the corner to enter the living room and the sight before me halted me in my tracks, stole my breath from my lungs and made my heart stutter and race.  Any thoughts I had of a nap disappeared with the sight before me.

The only thought racing through my very muddled brain was, ‘I’m not ready yet, not now.’

Quickly following my shock came the very audible gasps coming from both Emily and Rachel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think.  
> This was beta'd by shadowinghope, but all remaining mistakes are mine. Sorry this has taken me so long to post. Last year kicked my ass.


	5. Things That Make Me Remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella remembers the moment that altered her path.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was beta'd by shadowinghope. She makes me look intelligent, without her help this would be mush.  Please, when you're done reading, leave me your thoughts.

There on the couch, a visibly furious Jacob was sitting, his body trembling.  I could tell just by the tremors that flowed from him into the couch.  I knew he was coming over at some point today, but was still surprised to see him and even more shocked to see his anger.  When he had left last night he had seemed upset but nothing like the rage he was displaying.  What had happened to make him so close to losing control?

With that last thought I turned on my heels and went into the kitchen.  I didn’t want my girls near him when he was like that, even if he kept control of himself and didn’t phase.  They didn’t need that around them, and I was going to try my hardest to keep it like that, to keep them away from any discourse between me and Jacob.

I heard no steps behind me, meaning no one followed but as I entered the kitchen an inhuman snarl rattled the windows.  I wasn’t scared, I never had been, nor would I ever be fearful of his wolf but the snarl clued me in that his anger was directed at me, the reason still fuzzy.   Surprisingly the babies showed no reaction to what had just occurred.

“JACOB EPHRAIM BLACK!  Calm the FUCK down, right the fuck now.  Your children and their mother are in this house.  If you can’t calm down right now and control yourself, get the hell out until you can!”  Rachel was screaming at the top of her lungs at her brother.  Of all the imprints only Rachel had the balls to take on a pissed off werewolf.  Paul had really met his match in her.

After Rachel’s scolding, I heard nothing for several minutes.  I began pulling things out of the diaper bag so that I could change the girls.  I didn’t know if they really needed it but I needed to remain busy.  I tried to keep my focus on the task at hand but my mind was firmly planted in the living room going over the millions of possibilities of what happened after her rant.  Did he leave?  If he did, when was he coming back?  What had him so boiling mad? What did I do, or hadn’t done, to make him so angry?  If he didn’t leave, had he successfully calmed down?  Did I want to talk to him anytime soon when with me just walking out of a room had him at his brink?  My brain wouldn’t stop with the endless questions of what ifs, as my ears strained to hear any little sound in the living room.

“Don’t you dare give me that look, Jacob Black.  Do you have any idea what it means that Bella walked out of the room?  That she of all people was worried about you phasing on her.  She of all the girls that know about the pack…” I assumed Rachel had pointedly refused to use the word imprint because of the pain she knew she would cause if she did.  “…have never, ever been afraid of any of you mangy dogs, even at your most volatile.  She walks up to all of you even if you’re shaking or a wolf as if you are still your normal sunshine human selves.  She’s the only one who has ever walked through a phased pack without fear or afterthought or willingly taken a ride on your wolf.  Did you even realize through your anger that she had your daughters in her hands, or were you too blinded by fury to see that?  She just fled this room out of fear of you and you have the audacity to get angry with her for leaving the room when anyone else would have done the same thing.  You’re fucking lucky she stayed in the damn house.”  She paused for a moment and the house was silent again.

“Now, I know you two need to talk, ‘cause God knows all the shit you two have to sort out, but goddamn it Jake, you can’t get this angry again.  It’s dangerous and you could cause her to run again. Only this time she’ll do it to protect her babies from you, and I’ll let her go.  So please calm down or I won’t let her talk to you till you do, and I want some damn answers.”  Her anger was gone but the scolding tone remained.

I was shocked by all she said and I looked down and realized I was in the middle of what looked like my second diaper change.  I had been so focused on the event in the other room I had absentmindedly changed my daughters.  I was shaken by what Rachel had just told Jake.  While most of what she said was true, my reason for leaving the room wasn’t and my leaving town with the babies in tow wasn’t going to happen even if he physically hurt me.  I wasn’t going to take his daughters from him, I had already done that.  He was entitled to his anger, and his anger was tied to his wolf, I had taken their daughters away from them both.  I deserved the wrath of both the man and the wolf.

I had never been afraid of the wolves in either form.  Like the first time Paul phased on me in anger.  To me, they were still the men I knew regardless of their form.  I had never felt safer than in their presence; but for Rachel to say I was afraid of Jacob was not entirely correct.  I knew without doubt that he wouldn’t have phased anywhere near me.  I was even surer he wouldn’t do anything to harm his little girls.  I left because I didn’t want the girls near him being angry; they didn’t need that atmosphere in their emotional environment.

My mind and heart were racing with all the emotions that began to flood through me the moment my eyes set on Jake’s shaking form.  I finished changing the girls again without much active focus, placed them in their carriers and now I was currently staring out the kitchen window at the forest behind the house.  I jumped when I felt a light hand on my shoulder.

“Bella are you okay?”  Emily asked, sadly and quietly.

“Fine,” I replied quickly.

“Are you sure?  You’re crying,” she pointed out.

“What…?”I reached up and felt under my eyes and sure enough my cheeks were damp with tears.  “Oh yeah, really I’m fine, just thinking.  I guess it made me tear up, really he didn’t scare me…I just…I didn’t want the girls near that.  I know he wouldn’t have done anything,” I said trying to reassure her of my lack of fear.

“Oh Bella you really aren’t afraid of them at all are you?”  Her voice had lightened considerably.

“Well, there was that first time Paul phased in anger and Jacob jumped in the air to stop him and when I saw them in the meadow.   Other than that, why would I be?  They’re just brave men and a  brave woman who happen to fur-splode.”  I chuckled at the memory of my introduction into the world of wolves.

 I locked eyes with her, trying to convey the sincerity of what I was about to say.  “You know, I’m never leaving again, even if he asks, right?”  I asked her so quietly I barely heard it.  I needed her to understand, I needed all of them to understand, that no matter what I wasn’t leaving.  I wouldn’t and couldn’t do it again.  I had survived only months without them and it nearly destroyed me.  All their hard work was nearly dismantled and I was allowing it because without me realizing it, they had all become my world, my life and without them I believed I had nothing.  Up until the moment I found out I was having a baby a very sizeable portion of me still held out the vain hope of Edward’s and the Cullens’ return.  I had come to the understanding long before that day, that even if they did return I would never be one of them.  Jacob, Emily, Sam, Rachel, Kim and the rest had ensured that, and they didn’t even know.

From the day I realized I loved Edward I believed I would love no other but him.  I held onto him with white clenched fists long after his departure, unwilling to let the thought of moving on like he asked to enter my psyche.  Even as Jacob fixed my heart and soul I refused to give the tiniest inclination that I could move on; that I could love another, even my most cherished friend enter my mind.  I believed most vehemently that I would never love anyone the way I loved Edward.  I was right but not in the way I perceived.  I had believed that I couldn’t love anyone but Edward as intensely as I had him; I believed I wouldn’t feel strong romantic love for anyone but him.  That thought alone crippled me the many times I let myself think it.  I now know how wrong that was; of course, I wouldn’t love anyone the way I loved Edward.  One loves individuals differently; relationships are as different as the people involved in them.  So I would never love anyone like I loved Edward.  I did eventually realize I loved someone with similar intensity that burned me blissfully.  It’s just that this love snuck up on me, it grew and bloomed like climbing ivy.  I wasn’t aware of it until it had encased my entire being.  It had snuck up on me in the form of a most cherished friendship.  The love I feel for Jacob matches the intensity of the love I felt for Edward.  The love I still harbored for him long after my relationship with Jacob began. 

Was it wise to love two so deeply? I didn’t know?  All I knew at the time was that I couldn’t shut my feelings off as I had tried to do with Jacob.  Just as my love for Jacob snuck up on me, the understanding that my love for Edward had waned and changed crept into my consciousness.  I knew that I would always have love for Edward but I was no longer ‘in love’ with him.

The only problem I had now was that I would remain ‘in love’ with Jacob for the rest of my life.  We had created an unbreakable bond I would never have had with Edward.  My children ensured I would love Jacob until my last breath.  He had done what Edward would never be able to do; he took possession of my whole heart and he would remain its holder till I left this mortal coil.  I just hope he realized that.  Leaving him was not an option I could endure a second time.  The first was an act of desperation which I regretted almost from the moment I ran.

“I know,” was all Emily said.

My patience was running thin on the thoughts of what was occurring in the other room.  I was a ball of nerves, frayed and firing in brilliant annoyance.  I needed to relax, my day was far from over, I needed to calm down, way down, or I was going to have an aneurism.  So I did the one thing that would ensure my calm.   I made my way over to Juliana’s carrier, picked her up, held her close, stuck my face in her curls and breathed in her enchanting scent.  I just closed my eyes and inhaled.  Almost instantly, I relaxed.  I didn’t know how long I stood there just breathing my daughter in.  Her scent was my balm nothing worked like her.  I was broken out of my quiet moment by someone calling me.

“Bella?” Rachel asked.  I slowly opened my eyes and turned to her.

“Hmm?”

“What did you want to do?”

“What do you mean?”  I asked, confused.

“Do you want to talk to him right now or do you want to wait, I mean after that display he should understand if you didn’t want to speak with him right now.”  I sighed and turned to Emily still closely clutching my eldest child like a life preserver.

“I know you’ve been gone a while now and Sam and Paul are probably worried sick about you being in ‘leech-lover’ territory but do you think you two can keep an eye on the girls while Jake and I leave to have our talk?  I think it best if we don’t have that conversation near anyone, especially the girls,” I asked somewhat shyly because if she said no, I wouldn’t talk to him.  After his living room display, I wasn’t going to have that intense of a conversation anywhere in the vicinity of my children or anyone else for that matter.  I would take his wrath but I wouldn’t subject anyone else to it.

“It’s not a problem Bella.  We’d be happy to spend more time with the babies.”

“Well it’s their nap time so they shouldn’t be too much of a hassle and they’ve been changed and fed.  If we’re gone for more than three hours they may get hungry.  I have bottles in the fridge for them; just warm them with hot water.  Um…”  I didn’t know what else to tell them.  I was nervous to leave them for an undetermined amount of time.

“Bella if anything comes up we’ll have one of the wolves on watch go get you and Jacob,” Emily said having noticed my hesitation.

With one last inhale of Juliana’s scent I placed her back in her carrier.  I pressed kisses to her forehead and both cheeks.  I then did the same to Charlotte. 

The time had come; my nerves were on high alert, making me look like I trembled in fear.  Sadly I was afraid, afraid of his righteous anger, afraid more of his indifference.  I knew this talk wouldn’t set us on the path to fixing our relationship in any of its forms, hell it would probably make it worse.  He would demand answers, I would give them, but it wouldn’t fix anything.  We had fought over the main reason of my leaving so many times in the past.  It had been the main reason for me denying him in the beginning.  I knew the moment the truth left my lips he would be in a fury against me.  If he didn’t hate me now, surely afterwards he would.  He always vehemently denied he would ever leave me in that way and could never understand why I wouldn’t or couldn’t believe him.  Did I not have evidence enough in our little circle that it was not possible for him to keep that promise?  But he never gave up the fight for me and eventually I did give in though I never once lost the fear of losing him to some stranger.  Where once I had nightmares of running and chasing and finding nothing, I now had dreams of seeing Jacob’s cold eyes empty of love as he looked at me but filled with joy as he took in the faceless woman next to him, leaving me alone again, this time without my sun.

I turned to the little shelf under the phone and grabbed the keys to the vehicle I hadn’t seen for months and driven in nearly a year.  I made my way to the foyer and waited.  No one made a move or said a word.  We were all frozen, waiting, for what I really didn’t know.  I needed to bite the bullet and get this started, the quicker I got it started the quicker I could get away and back to the refuge that was my children.  I needed to do this for them; their childhood was going to be way too tense if I didn’t get my issues sorted out.

“Um…Jacob…did you want to go talk now?  I mean, if you don’t that’s okay, we can do it another time.”  I was giving him the choice, it was best to take it from my hands; I had a bad track record with decisions and if I really had to, I would wait to talk to him.  I turned and faced the front door, waiting, shaking, and fidgeting.

I never heard him but the moment his hand landed on the small of my back I was set alight.  I had never realized how cold I was in his absence, every molecule was tingling.   I quietly reveled in his delicious warmth, wishing this brief touch would advance to him enveloping me in his arms.  God, how I missed being held by him or touched by him.  He applied a little more pressure and I opened the door and made my way off the porch, turning to the garage.  I glanced back and saw that he was making his way to my car.

“Jake…um…I thought we could take the truck.”  I then continued walking to the side of the garage and pulled off the tarp that was placed over it last fall.  I stuffed the tarp into the garage and opened the driver side door, climbed in and waited some more.  In truth I wanted to take the truck in an attempt to get back some of our past.  We had so many memories in this truck, maybe it would help.  What I didn’t expect the moment the door shut was the flood of memories that ran through me.  I was barraged with every sweet and happy moment that ocurred in this cab.  All the intimate moments I shared with him.  The hesitant touches and blazing kisses; I again cursed myself for my stupid rash actions, I had missed him so much and I knew I would miss him some more.

He finally climbed in next to me but was sitting as close to the door as possible, clearly defining the canyon between us.  I pushed the hurt his action caused deep down in me knowing I really did deserve it.  I started the truck, put it into drive and headed out.

I was driving for fifteen minutes before I realized exactly where I was going.  I didn’t know what drove me to drive there, I figured it was the mention of it in the kitchen or the rush of memories from the moment I entered the cab.  Whatever it was, it seemed fitting for the conversation to follow.  So much had happened on or near that stretch of road.  Memories burned into me like a hot poker, memories both good and bad. 

Jacob had stayed silent the entire time.  I couldn’t find the courage to even move my eyes in his direction.  I didn’t know how our talk was even going to begin.  Would I be the first to speak or would he?

I finally turned onto the beloved gravel road.   I noticed him shifting around in his seat but still didn’t turn my gaze to him.  My eyes trained on the road ahead taking everything in I hadn’t seen since before Christmas.  Then, much like the first time I traveled this road, my gaze drifted to the towering cliffs.  This time I saw no oversized boys flinging themselves off. 

Taking in those massive cliffs made my heart ache.  I remembered myself standing upon them waiting and wanting something that was never really healthy for me.  My life was altered that day.   I didn’t realize it then, but later I had a feeling that because of what had or hadn’t occurred at the top of the scraggly rocks that I went down a different path than I had originally intended.  I had no proof or no clue why I even thought this but I knew my life shifted that day.  As the truck continued to roll down the road, the thought of losing sight of the beauty before us was almost painful.  I slowed the truck and turned it so that it faced the opposite direction we were before.  I stopped the truck and parked it.  I just sat there again waiting, this time for the inevitable.

As I waited, I realized the terrible idea it was for us to sit in such a confined space.  With the truck off, the vent wasn’t blowing fresh air and his scent permeated the cab.  I was enveloped by it.  It made my body tingle, my mouth water and my soul cry.  His scent, his heat was a harsh reminder of everything I threw away by getting in my car and driving away that cold and harsh January day.  My reasons had seemed so important that I couldn’t imagine I was wrong or what I was doing wasn’t the right thing.  God how could I have been so stupid?

Sitting in the cab became too much.  Before anything could be said, I flew out into the fresh air.  I was free of his scent and his heat and the feelings of missing them dissipated.   I went to the back of the truck dropped the tailgate and climbed up.  I sat there facing the cliffs and remembered that fateful day where he changed me and my life.

_I stood at the top of the utmost cliff, the wind whipping around me.  I looked out over the ocean, I could see the storm approaching.  The ache in my heart and the coming of the storm reminded me I needed to do it soon, or my chance for the day would be taken with the rain._

_I wanted to hear his voice, needed it like my next breath.  The hole in my wounded chest was raging and the only thing that would quell it was this fall, and his voice.  At the very back of my mind my judgment seemed colluded but I craved so much for his voice to end the pain and throb he created, if only for mere moments._

_The wind increased in speed and it began to chill me.  I moved closer to the edge of the cliff slowly, taking in the water below.  From up here, it looked almost peaceful.  I was waiting for the roar of the voice I craved to chastise me for my foolish and dangerous action.  I wanted the velvet voice to soothe me from within.  It wasn’t coming, he wasn’t coming, so I edged closer to the point of no return.   In truth, I was terrified of jumping even as I was mere inches from oblivion but the pain and need were greater and outweighed any fear I felt._

_I stepped right up to the edge.  When I looked in front of me it was as if I was floating.  The wind whirled around me, enveloping me like a glove chilling me but I didn’t care.  I cared for the sweet release that his voice would bring.  This being the stupidest thing I had done to date I was sure he would be here, had to be here.  I held my breath and waited for the soft velvet to caress my heart.  Nothing.  I prepared myself to jump._

_“Bella.”_

_I smiled and breathed a heady sigh of relief as all pain left and joy filled me.  He was here._

_“Yes,” I said aloud as if he was next to me, because to me he was, he was right behind me._

_“Don’t do this please,” he pleaded and I smiled again, I was getting what I wanted.  Him to argue with me; the longer I drew this out the longer he would speak with me.  I now had to outweigh keeping his voice longer with the danger from below._

_“You gave me no choice.  If this is the only way you’ll come to me I’ll take it.”  My voice strong, I was excited to get this reaction out of him._

_“It’s too dangerous, Bella, please don’t do this,” he pleaded again._

_“You wanted me to be human, you wanted me to keep my promise, but you broke every promise you made to me.  So I’m breaking this one,”  I yelled into the wind._

_I rolled onto the balls of my feet and raised my arms as if diving and crouched._

_“No B…,” he began._

_I was confused for a short second why he suddenly cut out.  Then I felt it, just as I was about to jump off the cliff, warm arms wound their way around my waist and pulled me back.  I looked down; two warm russet arms were pulling me away from the cliff, from Edward.  The pain came, roared inside my chest.  I needed to get off that cliff like I planned, I was sure he would yell at me once I was in the water._

_I fought the arms that held me secure.  I twisted and turned, I used all my strength to pry them off me.  Nothing, nothing worked, they were too strong.   I was angry this person was keeping me from Edward, taking him away._

_“Let.  Me.  Go!” I yelled still struggling._

_“No, Bella, it’s not safe.”  I knew that voice._

_“Let me go, Jacob.  I want to jump.”  I tried not to sound angry, but I was seething.  He was supposed to be here for this not stop me, he promised._

_“No.”  I became frantic; he was pulling me away from the edge closer to the woods._

_“Let me go, Jacob, please, I need to jump, I have to jump, please don’t stop me.” I was pleading._

_“No Bella, you’re not jumping.”  His voice sounded pained but I didn’t care._

_“Let me go now, damn it.  You can’t do this you can’t take him from me.  You’re taking him from me. Now let me go.”  I was trying my hardest to free myself by any means necessary.  I was flailing in his arms, kicking, twisting, and trying to punch._

_“Who, Bella?”  He asked though I think he knew._

_“Edward, damn it, you stopped me and he left, Jacob.  You took him from me, let me go so I can hear him.  Please, please don’t take him again.”  I was pleading, hoping he would let me go.  I knew he wouldn’t and I was so angry, the hole in my heart was raging, getting revenge already for the brief encounter I had with the angelic voice.  I was angry, hurt and crying; he still wouldn’t release his hold on me._

_He backed further and further away from the face of the cliff, slowly into the woods.  Soon I could no longer see the cliffs, only hear the waves crashing at its bottom, he never loosened his hold.  I never gave up my fight to get back to the cliff._

_He reached my truck and finally set me down with him between me and the direction I wanted to go.  I tried to get around him but his arms still held me, keeping me in place.  I whirled on him and began pushing him._

_“I hate you, I hate you, you took him from me, I hate you.”  I screamed crying.  My pushing had resulted in me closer to my truck; as I had failed to move him just push me further back._

_It was pouring now, we were both soaked to the bone, only I was getting chilled.  I was still sobbing and still pushing at him, I refused to look at him, too angry to do anything but push on his chest._

_I decided that pushing wasn’t helping me get my anger out and I raised my right arm into a fist and intended to begin punching him.  Just before my fist struck him he grabbed my wrist and stopped the momentum and quickly grabbed my left to prevent me from using that as well.  He then pulled me into an almost too tight hug._

_They fell, every wall I had built up around myself to keep me from doing what I was now doing, I was sobbing against his scorching chest.  Great heaves of sobs were coming out of me.  Never before had I really cried in front of Jacob.  Sure I had let a few tears fall but never cried.  I couldn’t hold it in anymore, the pain of Edwards abandonment was coursing through me, the hole where my heart once was engulfing my entire chest cavity, the pain unbearable, so I let it out in tears against the chest of my best friend._

_I was crying so hard I hadn’t noticed Jacob pick me up or put me in the truck.  I hadn’t noticed him driving.  When I was finally able to take in my surroundings after I furiously wiped my tears with my eyes, I noticed we were at the Blacks; house.  My cries hadn’t stopped but they were no longer the soul shattering wails I had up on the gravel road by the cliffs.  Jacob parked the truck took the keys out of the ignition and sat._

_My tear laden body, heaving in an effort to get enough air was snuggled up against Jacob.  I didn’t know what was going to happen now.  The walls that had fallen against Jacob’s chest weren’t going to be able to be built up again, I knew that.  Jacob had seen something up there that I had kept in the depths of me.  He was going to have some major questions.  Most likely, my mental stability being his main concern, but I was afraid I was going to lose my closest friend  when he learned the truth of my actions since the moment I came to see him all those weeks ago._

_The thought of Jacob leaving because of my own stupid actions sent me into a new set of body shaking sobs.  I couldn’t control them as the horror of losing Jacob flew through me.  He would hate me for using him to help induce my delusions.  He would turn his back on me and leave me to rot in this unyielding pain.  My days would be dark without my sun but I deserved any actions he took, I deserved for him to leave me.  Hell. I preferred if he was going to leave, that he leave me to Victoria.  Any pain she dealt me would be nothing compared to living in a world where Jacob wasn’t in my life._

_My sobbing continued and without notice, I felt Jacob pick me up and carry me into his house.  He sat with me securely in his lap cradling me like a child._

_“Please don’t leave me, please,” I begged him through my tears. I was clutching at him desperately, so afraid he’d let go and push me away.  I couldn’t survive the pain that was to come without him._

_“Shh…Bells, honey…shh, it’s okay, I’ll never leave you, ever.  I promise,” he said into my ear, trying to console me.  It made me feel guiltier for the way I had used him._

_“I’m sorry…I’m so sorry,” I cried some more against his chest._

_“For what honey?  You have nothing to be sorry about.”  His voice was desperate; he was trying to find a way to get me to quit crying but it was only making me feel worse. He didn’t know how wrong he was.  I had so much to be sorry for.  I didn’t deserve him.  He was too good for me._

_My sobs had quieted but the tears continued to fall.  I was too afraid to tell him all I had to be sorry for, too afraid to break his heart when he had done so much to fix my broken one.  My selfish actions would break the only good thing I had going for me.  I stayed curled up into his chest, his arms securely wrapped around me, his warmth drying off my rain and tear soaked body.  I never felt safer or more scared in my entire life.  It was a true contradiction yet I felt both equally._

_I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew I felt myself being shifted on Jacob’s chest.  I slowly raised my eyes to look at him.  He stared down at me with pained eyes.  He stared intently at me, seeing if I was going to burst into sobs again. Thankfully, they were behind me, at least for now.  Who knew what would happen when I was alone to my thoughts and without my sun to bandage my mental and emotional wounds?  His eyes changed and he became hesitant._

_“Bells, what were you doing up on the cliffs, just before the storm?”  His eyes hardened, his resolve firmly set. I was not getting out of this talk.  As much as I didn’t want to talk about what occurred up on the cliffs I owed him the truth, I steeled myself for the pain._

_“You promised me cliff diving and then you were gone.  I know you were chasing Victoria, I get that but…I…I just…I needed to jump from that cliff.  I needed to feel free.”_

_“So you just wanted to cliff dive?  Why today when the storm made it too dangerous?  Bella, you could have died had I not pulled you back.  Do you realize that you could have died had I not been there?  What would that have done to Charlie, to Renée, to me?” His voice cracked on the ‘me’._

_“Oh God, Jake, I didn’t mean it like that.  I didn’t want to die, I didn’t even think about the danger of the water below.  I was more concerned with the height of the cliff.”  I was a bit hopeful he wouldn’t bring up my freak out._

_“Bella who were you talking to up there?”  Shit._

_I dropped my eyes unable to meet his.  I was so afraid of what would happen when I told him, but I didn’t see any other option but the truth._

_“You promise not to get angry?”_

_“Bella, just tell me.”_

_“Edward, I was talking to Edward.”  My chest constricted and the hole blazed in my chest.  Saying his name hurt.  I had gotten away with it before in my frenzy and it was now exacting its revenge for such boldness._

_“How were you talking to him?  I was up there too and I didn’t smell any leech.  You and I were the only ones up there, Bella.”  I wanted to chastise him on the use of leech but considering I was going to jump off a cliff to hear the voice of the vampire who dumped me and left me in this state I dropped it._

_“You’re going to think I’m crazy,” I muttered quietly._

_“Bells, I change into a rather large wolf, along with my best guy friends and my best friend’s ex is a vampire.  I don’t really think you can say anything that will make me think you’re crazy, unless you tell me you’re a fairy.  Now, come on.”  He was trying to make me feel better but it only made me feel worse.  I was going to burst a rather large bubble labeled ‘best friend’._

_“I can hear his voice, in my head; I was talking to a voice in my head.  See, crazy.”_

_“How?  Like can you hear him all the time or what?”  I shook my head no and looked at him_

_“I only hear him, when I’m in danger or doing something dangerous, like in the meadow with Laurent.”  And the recognition hit his eyes and his face transformed into the ‘Sam mask’.  I wanted to cry seeing that; he was distancing himself already._

_“So the bikes and you coming to see me was only a ploy to hear your precious leech?  You were using me.  What else did you do to hear him?  What other stupid and dangerous things did you do Bella?  When else have you heard him?” He asked harshly._

_“Um…I…I heard him the first time after a movie when I walked up to these guys outside a bar and um…every time I rode the bike till I got better and….” My tears were freely falling. “Then in the meadow…and…” I didn’t want to tell him this one, but I couldn’t stop telling him, though it hurt to see the pain in his eyes, it felt kind of freeing to openly talk about it.  “…and when you were telling me we couldn’t be friends and you…you were shaking.  Also today on the cliffs but he stopped talking the moment you grabbed me.”_

_“Christ, Bella, what the hell were you thinking?  Why would you use me like that?  Did_ I _mean nothing to you, am I just a fucking toy to you?”_

 _“Yes, in the beginning I used you because I was in so much pain and hearing his voice for even the briefest of moments brought some relief to that.  So, yes, my intent was to use you to relieve that pain, but what I didn’t realize that just by spending time with you, you were making me better.  My heart hurt less whenever I was with you.  I genuinely laughed with you.  You made me better, and yes I still heard_ him _but I needed you too.  You are so important to me; I don’t want to not have you in my life.  Being near you makes me better.  I like being better.  Please don’t be mad at me, please, I don’t want to lose you even though I deserve it.”  I was back to crying and finding it a bit ridiculous that I couldn’t go an hour without the wet works._

_“Bella the thought of you using me pisses me off and hurts.  You are my best friend, I share something with you I don’t share with many.  I know you’re hurt but this adrenaline junkie thing has to stop now if you want me to remain your friend.  I can’t watch you put yourself in danger like that again.  It’s also not very healthy to hear your ex’s voice in your head.  I want you to tell me every time you hear it okay?”  His voice was still hard but his eyes had softened._

_“You promise you won’t leave me?  I need you so much Jake,”  I asked meekly._

_“I already promised that Bells, you are my best friend but I have to tell you something.” I nodded._

_“I know you love him and miss him but honey you need to let him go.  Hanging on to him like this is going to get you killed and I can’t allow it.  You need to talk about it.  If you want to talk to me I’ll listen.  If you want to talk to a girl, Emily is a pretty good option, but you have to move on.  I can’t and Charlie can’t, see you like this much longer, it’s killing us.”_

_“It hurts so bad Jake.  I don’t know how, every time I think of him being gone it’s unbearable. I don’t know how to let him go, I don’t know if I want to.”  My eyes burned with all the tears that had fallen.  Jacob was a blurry figure and my arms were wrapped tightly around my chest to hold me together.  The thought of giving Edward up, even just his voice was a horrible thought.  I was frantic to hold onto anything that had to deal with him.  It wouldn’t be easy letting something go that had been my entire world for so long, but I knew he was right.  And then I heard it._

_“It’s okay, my Bella, to move on.  Please move on. Be happy.” came the ethereal voice of my absent love and for some reason, it felt like a good bye.  I let out a choked sob at the thought that this was going to be the last time I would hear his velvety smooth tenor._

_At hearing my panicked cry Jacob began to worry.  “What is it Bells, what’s wrong?”_

_“Its…he…he…Ed…move…hap…”  I was unable to say anything coherent.  My chest was heaving and constricting in pain, pain I hadn’t felt since that evening in the woods.  Jacob sensing this wrapped his arms tightly around my torso and pulled me against his chest._

_“Bells I need you to take deep breaths.  Come on for me you can do it, deep breaths.”  I tried to do what he was telling me.  I fought to take big heaving breaths and for the longest time I only could get sharp pants.  Eventually I was able to get deep breaths and calm down._

_“Bells what happened?  What’s wrong?”  Worry was still laced in his voice; any anger he held against me was lost in his worry._

_“Ed…he said…I think he said…goodbye.  He told me to move on and be happy.”_

_“As much as I hate to agree with a bloodsuckers voice in your head Bells, he’s right.  You need to move on for you to be happy.  If you wallow in this pain you’ll slowly kill yourself and then what would the point of me saving you all the time?”  He lightly chuckled_

_I shot him an annoyed glare and curled back into him where I promptly fell back asleep.   I woke to the front door of the Blacks’ home opening.  Billy was being pushed in by Sam, both had aggrieved expressions.  I knew immediately something had gone wrong._

_“What’s wrong?  Was some hurt? Is everyone okay? Was it Victoria?”_

_“You didn’t tell her?” Sam asked Jacob._

_“Something came up, I didn’t get the chance…How is he?”  He who?  Oh God someone was hurt.  I looked at Billy and he visibly paled and shook his head behind me I heard Jacob suck in a breath._

_“Bella, Harry Clearwater had a heart attack and he didn’t make it.  Charlie is with Sue right now at the hospital but he will want you at home when he’s done there.”_

_That evening, everything changed.  I had started the process of moving on from the love that I thought would last for eternity.  It was painful and ugly but I did move on.  That day had also changed the pack.  Leah and Seth Clearwater had both phased that day, thus causing Harry’s heart attack._

I was brought out of my memory by Jacob clearing his throat.  I turned from the cliffs and looked at him.  He was staring at the same place I had been, he was thoughtful and his brow was furrowed.

“Have you…have you heard his voice since that day?”  His voice was pained.

“No, you were there the last time I heard it.”  He nodded his head and remained silent for several minutes.  I waited, I sensed he was trying to organize his thoughts.

“Why’d you leave Bella?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think. And thank you for taking the time to read.


	6. Reasons 1, 2, and 3 Don't Mean Shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jacob and Bella finally have their talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is unbeta'd and any and all mistakes are mine.

I didn’t know how I wanted to answer his question. I had so many reasons back then, so many reasons why I’d left but they all boiled down to one thing.  I mean, I could go into a long drawn out explanation but I didn’t want that.  I wanted to answer him simply and honestly, no bullshit. I figured if I just answered the questions and didn’t go on and on, he may take my answers and reasons to heart and not flip out.  I was at least hopeful on that front.

“I was scared.”  There simple, yet so very not simple.

“Scared of what, of me?”  There was no feeling in his tone, he sounded detached, emotionless.

“No, Jacob, like I said back at the house, I am not scared of you, never you.  I was scared of everything else.” I wasn’t doing so great on the bullshit front. I was talking around the answer.

“What’s everything?  You’re being annoyingly vague, Bella.”

“First, I was terrified before I even found out for sure, it was so scary to imagine I was nineteen and pregnant.  I had no idea what I was going to do with my life yet, what was I going to do with a baby?  I took the tests and sat on the bathroom floor crying, shaking for over an hour. I hadn’t even looked at the tests yet but I knew. I think subconsciously I knew before Christmas.  That was the only thing that would explain my nausea and exhaustion during the holidays.  I didn’t want to acknowledge the truth.”

“You knew for weeks that you were pregnant?” He asked viciously.

“No, I didn’t know for sure until the afternoon before I left, when I took the tests. No, looking back I had the symptoms for a while, I just tried to find other rational explanations for them, like holiday stress.”

“What else were you scared of, Bella? I know you didn’t just leave because you were nineteen and pregnant, you would be that anywhere you went.”

“I sat for hours on the bathroom floor having a pity party unable to look at the tests, I thought a lot about what it meant, for me, for you, for our lives. I grew up with the perfect example of what young pregnancy and parenthood did to couples in love, I am that example. Even though logically, I know I’m not at fault for Charlie and Renée falling apart and her leaving, if I hadn’t been born when they were so young, they might not have fallen apart under the pressures of parenthood. Renée might not have felt so trapped and run away. Parenthood destroyed my parents’ marriage. My god it took Charlie until I was nineteen for him to start dating again.  I was shipped to Forks; I didn’t feel I belonged anywhere because I had no firm foundation.  I was terrified that it would happen to us.  That the foundation I was beginning to build with you would crumble under my feet and then my child would feel how I did.”

“You were terrified that us being teenage parents would tear us apart?”

“I love you so much and the thought of us not being in love, of us not being able to parent together because we were torn apart was more than I could handle.

“When I finally got up a bit of courage to look at the tests, any tiny hope I had that I just had a really bad case of the flu or I had some sort of food disorder was quickly whisked away.  I was pregnant.  I kept thinking of how I would break it to you, or how you’d react. I could imagine your shock and your fears, but none of the same fears I had. I then pictured you smiling your biggest sunshine smile.  I knew you would worry and be nervous, but I knew you would be overjoyed, jubilant. You would have gone into immediate overprotection mode, and as much as I sometimes hate that, I really would have been blessed with your joy, because it would have soothed most of my fears. I think that thought got me through so many nights without you; the thought of how happy you would have been, preparing to be a father.  Knowing if you knew, you would be so happy.”  I swallowed thickly.

“If you knew I would have been happy, why’d you leave? Because, you’re right, I would have been ecstatic. Bella, none of these things you were scared of would make you run.”

“Thinking of telling you, reminded me of telling Charlie and Renée.  I knew they would be highly disappointed in me but it was Charlie’s reaction to you that had me worried.  I was afraid he would hate you, threaten you life.  I was worried it would harm your relationship with him.  I know you think of him as a second dad because he has been there for you your entire life, he helped with things Billy couldn’t, I worried you’d lose that.  I was worried you’d lose him.

“I thought about everything Charlie had done when he found out I was coming.  All he gave up.  I thought about all you’d have to give up.  You have so many responsibilities already I didn’t know how you were going to handle this one when I didn’t know how I was going to handle it.  I mean Jake I only saw you on Saturday’s for both November and December and most of October and even then most of the time we were with the pack; I know you only slept like three to five hours a night.  You had school, which you had a year and a half left, your after-school job taking care of your dad, all your wolf duties.  Something would have to give, and I knew you’d give up school.  You had threatened to do just that during the months that Victoria was so relentless.  You would have given up your dreams for the baby.  Then one day you’d resent me for taking those dreams away.”

“Bella if I chose to quit school and give up those dreams so be it, it was my choice to do so, and most of my dreams were lost the moment I became a wolf.  Even if I gave up my dreams for the baby I would have never resented you or the baby, they would have been actions of my own choosing.”

“I know you think that but I also know what happens to young parents.  I thought about how Renée resented Charlie for keeping her trapped when I was little, I was terrified that if you gave up school and your future plans because we got knocked up that one day you’d resent me and the baby, the thought of that happening made me sick and sent me into a fit of sobs.  Once I came along my mom began resenting my dad for the loss of her dreams so she left.  I didn’t want you to leave me like she left him.  I couldn’t bring up these fears with you because you would make promises and assure me, but I truly feared you’d one day hate me for ruining your life.” 

“But Bella, I am not your mom.”

“Then the thought of you leaving me reminded me that one day you would leave me, even unwillingly.  You have promised and swore again and again that you would never leave me and you wouldn’t imprint and I told you I believed you.  We have had so many endless fights over this since I learned about it.  It was the reasons I fought off your advances for so long, even after I realized I loved you.  It was the reason I was scared shitless every time we met anyone new.  It was always a terror in the back of my mind, one I usually pushed into silence. Whenever anyone would walk up to you that I didn’t think you met I would literally hold my breath praying I wouldn’t witness you fall in love with the woman you’d leave me for.  Whenever we were apart for long periods of time I prayed you wouldn’t be coming to tell me you were leaving.  I never really told you of my fears because any time it was mentioned we would argue over it; and really for me at the time any time with you was worth it for me.  I would enjoy every day I was given with you because you being in my life made me the luckiest woman.”

He jumped off the tailgate. “Christ Bella, how many god damn times do I have to say this for you to get it?  I. WON’T. IMPRINT.  I can’t imprint.  You are all I see, all I want to see.  You’re who I chose, you’re who I choose.  I have loved you from the moment we argued about our true ages and I had an unbreakable crush on you since that day on the beach where I told you the legends.  Whether whoever controls imprinting sees it or not, YOU ARE MY SOULMATE!”  He yelled the end out.  His words made me melt and my heart ache because I wanted to believe him so badly but couldn’t anymore.  I knew imprinting was going to cause us to have a fight and I was prepared to fight him on it.  It was the main reason I left, I knew rationally the other fears could have been dealt with given time and negotiation but I couldn’t reconcile him imprinting.

“I know you said that but please listen, after I found out I was having a baby, you imprinting became a big problem for me.  I thought I could handle you leaving me for your imprint before, but I was just lying to myself.  I knew without a doubt when that happened I would be irrevocably broken.  No one would have been able to fix me again, because the only person who could fix me was already gone.  The moment those sticks showed me their two pink lines I had to think about the baby.  When you imprinted you weren’t just leaving me, you’d be leaving your child.  Our child deserved more that an empty shell of a mother and a father who loved someone else more.  I know logically we would have shared custody but it would still leave a scar on our child.  Believe me I know, I have that scar.”

“Though they didn’t say it or believe it.  I always believed that I was the reason for their marriage ending.  I always felt responsible.  I felt inadequate of their love, because Charlie didn’t fight hard enough for me to stay, because Renee took him from me without considering the damage of not having him in my life would cause.  I was able to handle those fears until I met the Cullen’s.  Being near them doubled my feelings of inadequacy; their leaving sealed those feelings in.  When you imprinted and left I didn’t want our child to feel what I have felt growing up, I couldn’t do that to him or her.

“I thought that whole day and night and I decided I wouldn’t survive you leaving me, or hating me, so I would leave.  I would give you time to find your imprint, finish school, start on your dream, free you from the pressures placed on your shoulders.  I was sure what I was going to do would hurt you but I reasoned you’d find your soul mate and you’d be happy.”

After I finished, he sat back down on the tailgate, but nowhere near me. “Bella that is some of the most insane reasoning I’ve ever heard. What the hell made you think that leaving would solve any of the problems you mentioned? Why the hell didn’t you talk to anyone before you left, someone that could have talked sense into you?”  He asked harshly.

I had been studying his hand as he spoke but quickly turned my gaze back to the grass. “Because had I spoke to anyone, they would have convinced me to stay without much effort and at the time I didn’t want to be convinced and I firmly admit I wasn’t thinking the most clearly or sanely at the time.  I believed I was doing right by you and our baby so I didn’t want to be swayed from my decision.  I’d like to say it was pregnancy brain but really it was the culmination of months of fears exploding on me all at once and I couldn’t deal.  So I left.  I loved you and the thought of you leaving me destroyed me, I didn’t want to wait for you to leave me and the baby, so I left you first.  I figured it would hurt less in the long run if I was the one to leave.  That when you eventually imprinted, I wasn’t with you so it wouldn’t destroy me like it would have done had I been with you.  I left you so you couldn’t leave me and abandon me.”  That’s when it hit me smack dab hard in the nose that last sentence should have ended ‘like Edward did’. 

I have known since the day I had shown up with the dilapidated bikes that Jacob wasn’t anything like Edward.  I had depended on that fact nearly every day since.  Similarities hurt me too much and stopped me from feeling better.  There were literal differences one was cold as ice the other hot as the sun, but emotionally they were like that too.  Edward was cold to almost everyone not in his circle; he was a man of his era reserved and collected.  Jacob warms everyone he meets, his smile outshines the sun.  He can make anyone have a great day just by being near him, he lightened ones heart.  Edward was overprotective and concerned about outside appearances while Jacob was protective but not overly so.  He let me take risks within reason and never cared what anyone thought of him.  They were polar opposites and I loved them both.  But it wasn’t until this very moment I was treating my relationship with Jacob as if he would do exactly what Edward had done. 

I had never felt good enough to be in Edward’s life; and he echoed those sentiments in the forest with the words he spoke.  Though I didn’t fit in with the wealthy vampires, I did truly believe I belonged with my wolves, but that didn’t mean my feeling of inadequacy weren’t carried with me to them.  I went through me entire relationship with Jake placing Edward’s actions on Jake.  The fear and betrayal I felt because of Edward clouded my relationship with Jake.  Imprinting was just the source I used to place the blame on Jacob; but I have always known, deep, deep in my heart, Jacob was not Edward.  I was more scarred from Edward then I had previously believed.  I had come to the assumption that after dating Jake, and falling in love with him, I was healed, that the wound left by Edward had slowly healed over.  Most of my reactions to things in Jake’s and my relationship were always unconsciously controlled by the scars left on my heart and mind.  My panic the day I found out I was expecting just forced that concept from my panic raddled brain and I reacted without much thought.

Jacob was right, I should have gone to someone, anyone and told them of my fears.  They would have shown me reason when reason didn’t exist in me.  I think that’s why I didn’t though.  I was at the point where I didn’t want to be reasoned with.  Anyone could have gotten me to stay with a few words and I knew that in my panic haze so I avoided and ran as quickly as possible to prevent me from staying.

“So you’re trying to tell me is that you left me, with the knowledge you had our child growing in you, all because you were scared of things I would nor could ever do, am I getting that right?”  Anger was growing in his voice as he spoke.  I had remained pretty much emotionally detached throughout my explanation I think it was the only way I’d be able to tell him.  He has no control of who or when he will imprint but fighting about imprinting right now would get us nowhere.  I sighed.

“Yes, I spent 16 straight hours thinking of everything bad that could happen either because of the pregnancy or just in our life and I wasn’t thinking rationally or logically. I overwhelmed myself, panicked and fled.   I know now what I did was wrong and hasty and I’m so sorry for everything I put you through.”

“Sorry, you’re sorry?  Bella you left me with nothing, not even a goodbye, just a lousy letter that explained nothing. Do you know what I was thinking, wondering what the hell I did to drive you away? And then that call, it killed me.  Not only did you only talk to Charlie but you only said two words, two fucking words.  Sorry doesn’t cover the pain and worry Charlie and I went through.  I lost watching my children growing inside you, hearing their heartbeats, seeing them on an ultra sound.  I lost talking to them through your belly, feeling them kick when I placed my hand on your belly.  I missed their birth, cutting the cords, holding them in their first minutes of life, seeing them open their eyes.  I missed their first diapers and feedings, their first day; and what hurts the most is that if it wasn’t for Victoria, I think I would have missed more firsts.”  His voice was cutting me, there was no anger, no malevolence just pain, deep emotional pain.

 I was crying, tears pouring down my face, because everything he said was true.  I acted cowardly, I refused to call home for fear of having them convince me of the one thing I wanted most.  I didn’t give them the peace of mind of knowing I was okay, safe and happy, even thought I wasn’t happy.  I didn’t give them a reason for my leaving so of course they would put the blame on themselves. I had made them miserable by my disappearance and I made my own life miserable for not admitting that I was wrong and making it worse by staying. I couldn’t even turn my head to look at him the guilt was eating at me.  I hung my head and slouched my shoulders, admitting defeat because though I had given him my reasons for leaving they weren’t enough for me to have remained where I was, and I had taken all of that away from him and from me.  I grabbed my purse and pulled out the two pictures I treasured most and handed them to him.

“I know you weren’t there to see it live but I want you to have these, they are the first pictures of our girls, I have carried them with me since the day I got them but they’re yours now.” With that I handed the ultrasound pictures to him never raising my head from my firm gaze on the ground below.

“Do you really think that this will make up for anything you did?”  He asked, his voice thick with emotion.

“No I don’t think it makes up for one thing, I’m just trying to give you something you didn’t have before.  Now you know what they looked like when they were four and six and a half months along.  No you weren’t with me when they were taken but you can see their development in them.”

We sat in silence for a while. I didn’t know what to say.

“How…Why…Did you really think that Victoria wouldn’t find you?”  He was asking a bit flustered most likely because of anger.

“No, I knew she would find me, I just hoped it would take her longer than it did, I worked very hard to make it difficult for her to track me by scent and I was in a relatively sunny place.  I was planning to leave there and go somewhere else but she found me and it was time for me to return, I’m just thankful I spotted her before she could get me.”

“Christ Bella, how could you be so dense, you could have gotten yourself and our daughters killed by believing that you could hide from her, you couldn’t even hide when you had eight werewolves on constant alert for her.  Speaking of how you made it difficult for her to find her, what did you do?”  Was I really going to tell him all I did to make sure he didn’t find me, because I knew he looked? 

“I knew that one of the pack was watching and would follow me if I just took off.  I packed everything I wanted to take and stuck it in my car and then I made it look like I was going to Newton’s knowing that they couldn’t follow me directly.  When I believed they were on their way I took the 101 to Port Angeles and drove around a bit trying to confuse my scent, I then drove to Olympia and did the same.  At Olympia I hopped onto I-5 and drove south until Portland where I again drove around.  I tried to drive through big cities knowing it would confuse my scent thus making it impossible to track me that way.  I drove for a long time, after a while I decide heading in the same direction I would be easier to track so at Sacramento I took the 99 for a while and then I turned east until I didn’t want to drive anymore, I was too physically and emotionally exhausted to continue so I stopped and stayed.  I knew I needed to let someone know I was okay so I drove to Vegas after I got settled and called Charlie.  I drove to Vegas because it was a few hours from where I was staying and if he tracked the number he wouldn’t find me.  I didn’t want to be found.”

“Where were you Bella?” 

“I stopped in Lake Isabella, California.  It was normally sunny, a somewhat average size city, and had several large roads out of town.”

“So you drove trying to dump anyone following you and stayed in a highly populated area, were you ever going to come back?” 

“Yes, I was planning on eventually coming back, I was just going to give you time to sort your life out.”

“When…When were you going to come back, how much of my children’s lives would I have missed?”  He asked irritated

“I…when I left I planned on staying away long enough for you to at least have graduated high school but the longer I was away the harder it was to stay away I don’t think I could have lasted another six more months away.”  I knew he was going to blow with that information.

“What! You were going to be gone six more months to a year longer, meaning I would have missed their first birthday.  I would have missed their first teeth and words and them starting to walk, god how could you do that to me, to them?  God it makes me so angry that I have to be thankful to that bloodsucking wench for you being here with me only missing…exactly how old are they?”

“They turn two months old tomorrow, the seventeenth.” I answered quietly

“So I only missed two months, that’s just great.” He replied sarcastically.

“Jake…”  I sighed.

“What, I’m right aren’t I, don’t I have a right to be pissed about it, up until yesterday I didn’t even know they existed and I had no idea where in fuck you were or what had happened to you.  Now you tell me that if it wasn’t for the leech who wants to kill you I would have missed the first year of their lives or more.”

“What do you want me to say, that yes I planned on being gone that long and would have kept them away from you for over a year?  Yeah that was the plan, but it was physically killing me to stay gone, I was barely sleeping at night, I worked my ass off just to pay for daycare, my rent and utilities and my food.  I was burning out and it made me miss you so much more.  I didn’t go one night not thinking of you and the way your arms felt wrapped around me.  I didn’t leave because I didn’t love you Jacob, I left because I did.  Though we were hundreds of miles apart you haunted me in my days and in my dreams.  I am sorry I put you through what I did, I am sorry I kept our babies from you.  I didn’t want to hurt you but I knew I would, I’m sorry but…but…but.” I couldn’t continue as I finally succumbed to my tears and sobs poured out.  The pain of what I had done was finally hitting me with brute force and was suffocating me.

“I don’t want your tears right now Bella, you still don’t know what you did to me.  You wanted me to finish school, well guess what, I was too emotionally fucked up after you left to even go to school, I haven’t been to school since it let out for Christmas break. I’d say I’m officially dropped out now, so that plan of yours went to shit. 

"For the first two weeks you were gone I had a little bit of hope you just ran away for a little while, that hope was the only thing that kept me sane, sane enough to wrack my brain on why you’d leave me.  I thought we were doing great.  I was so in love with you I had our whole future planned out.  I wanted to marry you, take care of you, build you a house make babies with you, and grow old with you.  You left and that future died with the fumes of your fleeing car.  Then that fucking call, that cruel emotionless fucking call sent me over the edge.  Do you get what those words did to me?  I broke; I couldn’t keep human form for more than thirty seconds and that was with an Alpha order from Sam.  The pack wasn’t able to stay phased with me because of the weight of my emotions even in wolf form.  I ran away to give them a reprieve from me so they could do their fucking jobs. 

"I became all wolf so that we could all be phased at the same time and they wouldn’t fall under my pain.  I spent four months as a wolf away from home thinking of the most horrid things that could have happened to you because that was the only way I could figure out why you had left.  Something must have happened.  And the only reason I came back was because Sam Alpha ordered me to come back and he ordered me to phase back, he had to force me to stay human for me to stay and for three weeks I wasn’t allowed to leave the reservation so that I was prevented from running again.” 

My body was quaking with the sobs I was silently letting out trying to be quiet because I didn’t deserve to feel pity for myself for what I had put him through, it was worse than I thought and it was killing me.  I was a horrible person, a cruel vindictive person who only cared about herself.  I didn’t think my leaving would have been that bad on him and when he told me about the future he planned for us, the hole I thought long healed shredded my heart and the pain overwhelmed me but I refused to show it.

“I thought the leech had found you and was torturing you and that you had died.  I truly thought you were dead and I felt that I had failed you, failed to keep you safe from harm like I had promised.  I thought that you missed your precious leech family so much that you left to find them to become one of them.  Even after everything that the pack had done for you, you still ran after who you wanted more because god knows I’m not good enough for you.  I spent so long wracking my brain trying to figure out what I had done wrong that had driven you away with nothing, absolutely nothing and ripped my heart out.”  I had wanted to know what it was like for him, but nothing could have prepared me for what he was saying.  I hated myself more than I hated Victoria, Laurent and James combined.  I had hurt him and the pack more than Edward ever had; how Emily and Rachel had even been nice to me I have no clue.  How Sam could speak cordially to me is beyond me, but I didn’t deserve anything but unending hatred.  I had brought all this pain onto a man I loved with everything that was me.  I was a vile, wretched harpy who deserved to rot it the pits of hell for what I did.

“I wanted to hate you; I thought if I did it would make it easier, that it would take some of the pain away.  But I couldn’t.  I wanted to move on see if there was someone else out there for me but I couldn’t see anyone else.  Every time I closed my eyes I see you and your beautiful smile and it kills me.  Whenever I dream it’s of the future we would have had and I wake up in pain again and I would wish you were dead because then I wouldn’t feel like a failure and I wouldn’t have been abandoned.  As soon as that wish leaves my brain I hate myself for thinking it.  I don’t want to love you anymore but I do, I don’t want to need you anymore but I do, I don’t want to crave you and your body but even now I want you, to devour you.  I don’t want to miss you anymore, but I do.  I just want to be free of you and yet I don’t because I know no matter what I will always love you more than I could ever love anyone and I know without a doubt you are the best for me.”  There was only absolute anguish in his voice, I think he was even crying but being as I was now curled up with my knees to my chest as my body continued to convulse with my quiet sob I couldn’t even get the strength to look.

“I met my daughters for the first time yesterday and I am so absolutely enamored and in love with them.  They are perfect in every way.  They are the perfect mix between you and me and I love them more for it.  I ache to hold them and cradle them.  I don’t ever want to let them go so than I can keep them safe.  It makes me insane to know that Victoria is after them.  I don’t want to go another day not having them in my life.  I love them so much and I love you more for giving me them and right now I want nothing more than to take you in my arms, go get our daughters and take you back home where we can be a family, a proper family but I can’t and I won’t.  I won’t because I can’t forgive you right now.  I want to be able to but I can’t, you hurt me and if I forgive you I’ll hate myself for doing so.  I want to be able to know that when I see you, you’ll stay but I don’t trust you.  I can’t trust you, every second of every day I wonder if I’m dreaming and I’ll wake up and you’re still gone.  I fear that every time I show up at your house you’ll have left again and the familiar pain will come back only this time it will be worse because my daughters will be gone.”

“Is that why you were shaking when I came back from the diner this afternoon?” I asked in a meek voice barely above a whisper. 

“I thought you had left again and taken the girls, I was so angry and then when you turned from me it pissed me off even more, if I frightened you I’m sorry.”

“Jacob I learned my lesson, I’m not going anywhere for any reason, you are stuck with me for the rest of your life because I want our daughters to grow up with both parents

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what did you think of the talk between these two? Good? Bad? Let me know. And thanks for reading


	7. Regrets, Love, Tears and Fears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella begins facing the emotional consequences of her actions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is unbeta'd so any and all mistakes are mine.

My chest hurt, my eyes burned, I couldn’t breathe out of my nose and the talk with Jacob was racing through my brain.  I couldn’t think of anything else and it’s even a wonder I made it back to Charlie’s unharmed because I have no memory of driving back.  I now sat by the garage where I parked the truck.  I sat going over everything that was said trying to calm down enough so that I could walk into the house.  I looked over at the drive and noticed the cruiser there.  Just what I needed a talk I no longer had the energy for nor cared to have today.  I was burnt out and all I wanted to do was go to sleep and not wake up for a week, I wanted to shut down and not process everything that I had done to the man and family I loved.  I wanted to hold my babies and drift away in the simple world of just their existence.  I took deep breaths through my mouth because my nose was still useless and I wiped the tears that wouldn’t stop.

Once I felt I was calm enough at least enough to take care of my daughters I climbed out of my truck and made my way to the house.  I grudgingly climbed the stairs and opened the front door.   I walked till I could see into the kitchen, no one was there but there was food cooking on the stove.  I moved to the living room where Rachel, Emily and Charlie were all sitting watching the TV with the volume so low I doubt they heard it.  I moved my sight to the playpen and saw my babies sleeping.  I moved over to them and quietly and gently picked Juliana up and held her to me.  I needed her to help keep me sane.  I stood in the living room blocking everything that wasn’t my daughter out.  I slowly swayed back and forth rocking her humming a lullaby softly. 

I clung to her as my lifeline to sanity.  I was inhaling her essence, letting it calm my frantic and painful thoughts.  I had to let go of the poison currently taking up my mind and every breath was riding me of them.  I was lost to the world with her in my arms.  I became aware that even the TV was no longer making noise and the oppressing silence of the room. My back was to the three taking up residence on the couch; I didn’t want to look at them afraid of what they’d see on my face.  I knew I looked like a mess, I could feel my skin tightening because of the drying tears.

“Bella?”Charlie asked tentatively.

I opened my eyes and turned to three pairs of questioning eyes boring into me.  Emily and Rachel looked sad, sympathetic and understanding, but still staring intently as if trying to decipher what had occurred between Jacob and me.  Charlie at first looked confused and then he turned dark with rage.

“Yeah?” I answered back, my voice betraying my projected calm.  Two loud intakes of air, very similar to those I had heard when I came back from the diner, were let loose from Rachel and Emily’s lips.  Their eyes grew wide with understanding as if they knew exactly what happened.

“What the hell did that little shit do to you, Bella?” Charlie asked through gritted teeth.

  
“What?” I was confused, why the hell would he think Jake had done anything to me.  Though I was even more confused why he called him a little shit, Charlie loved Jake, sometimes I thought he loved him more than me.

“What did Jacob do?”  He bit out.

“Ch…Dad he didn’t do anything we just…I just…Dad its Jacob you know him.”  While I didn’t want to go over my heartbreaking conversation with Jacob, I wanted Charlie off the war path. Jacob didn’t deserve Charlie’s anger.

“If he didn’t do anything then why do you look like that, my god you don’t look much better than you did when Sam found you in the forest after Edwin left. Now what did he do?” He said through clenched teeth.  I flinched at both the reminder of that terrible day and the months that followed and in realization that I did feel close to that. I didn’t realize I looked that bad. Thankfully I wasn’t exactly as bad as I had been; I felt like my world was falling apart, just not that is was ending.

“He told you, didn’t he?” Rachel asked, her voice soft and sad.

“God damn it, Bells what the hell could he have told you that has you like this?”  Charlie yelled this time.  I didn’t want to have this conversation right now but either I told Charlie or he was going to wake the babies.

“Dad, calm down and lower your voice or you’ll wake the babies.”

 I kissed Juliana’s forehead and lovingly set her back in the play pen.  Without speaking I moved to the kitchen, grabbed a glass from the cupboard and filled it from the tap.  I turned and slowly slid to the kitchen floor with my back to the cabinets.  I took a large gulp of water and then set the glass on the floor next to me, pulling my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them and laid my head on top of them all in an attempt to cocoon myself from this horrible day.

It was thousands of times worse than I had first imagined it being.  I was hopeless that I would ever have anything resembling a relationship with Jacob. Even a respectful co-parenting relationship looked impossible at the moment. I hated me more than he did. I don’t think I was ever going to forgive myself for what I put him through.  I wanted to go back to that cold January day when I was starring at those tests and force myself to stay.  To go to Emily or Rachel or even call my mom, go to someone that could’ve shown me reason and stopped me from making the giant cluster-fuck of a mistake I made.  In leaving I hadn’t succeeded in accomplishing anything I’d intended.  He didn’t go to school and get good grades.  He didn’t perform his wolf duties.  He couldn’t work his part time job. His burdens hadn’t been lessened. Not only did his life fall apart but it affected everyone in his life.  Billy lost months with his son, Embry and Quil lost months with their best friend.  I didn’t know what I was going to do to fix the mess I made.  I didn’t know if I could fix it.  I was losing what little hope I had left.

I was taking deep breaths trying to keep myself in control and keep from breaking down again.  I wasn’t going to wallow in the pain and turmoil.  I had my babies to care for; they needed me more than I needed to cry, even if that’s all I really wanted to do for the moment.

I felt their presence before I heard them. Silently, Rachel and Emily slid to the floor on either side of me laying their heads on my back.  One of them - I didn’t know which - began rubbing soothing circles on my back.  They were trying to console me; I didn’t like it because as much as I wanted to feel better I didn’t deserve it especially from them.  I had destroyed Rachel’s brother in ways I never thought possible.  I had obliterated my sun.  He had become a black hole of misery sucking everyone that loved and cared for him with him into his depression.  I was a vile, horrible, evil harpy who only caused pain, and everyone knew I had hurt him before.  I had hurt him for weeks with my constant rejections after his unending professions of love, even when we both knew I was in love with him.  I guess I was an expert at hurting those I love, and I didn’t want to be.  I wanted to be like Jacob where I brought light to the lives of those I loved and made their lives better with just my presence. I wanted to fix him, to bring light to his life so that he was my sun again.

“Why?” I asked, my voice cracking, them, though at the moment I don’t know what I was really asking them.

“Why, what sweetie?” Emily asked.

“Why - why…how can you forgive me…you should hate me like he does.” My voice was thick with tears but I refused to let them fall from my eyes. I didn’t deserve to feel sorry for myself or deserve their comfort.

“Bells, he doesn’t hate you. I don’t hate you and I forgive you because you came back and you know you made the wrong decision by leaving.  I know you won’t leave us again. Right now, I don’t know all the reasons you left but you thought you were doing right by him and you.  You had him in mind when you did what you did.  While I think you were incredibly stupid, you did it because you love him.  He just needs time to see that you aren’t going to hurt him again like that, but never think that he hates you.”  Rachel said trying to soothe me, which made me feel worse.  I tried to ignore the mention of ‘Bells’ it just reminded me that he hadn’t said it once, it was like he was pointedly refusing to say it and that hurt me more than if he had called me vile names.

“But he does, he told me, he said - said he doesn’t love me or want me and he can’t forgive me.” I paused for a moment feeling the weight of those words and cried out, “Oh god what have I done?” I was falling into the darkness again and the only thing keeping me out completely was my two little angels in the other room.

“Bells?” Charlie asked firmly but with worry filling his voice.  Of everyone in my life, he had the right to worry.  He saw me at my worst; even Jacob had never saw me that bad.  Charlie had lived day in and day out with me in my catatonic state and throughout my zombie phase.  He deserved anything he asked of me. But right now I didn’t think I had the energy to either: physically, mentally or emotionally give him anything.  With a weighted sigh I raised my head to look at my father.

“Yeah, Dad?”

“What did he do, what did he say, come on, Bells, you got to give me something here, I hate seeing you like this.”  He said desperately

“Dad…he…I can’t. I’m sorry, I just can’t.” I was losing my war with my tears as they slid down my cheeks, as overwhelmed with emotion as I’d been when I’d come back. If I spoke about everything I was going to fall apart again and I wasn’t willing to do that.   I dropped my head back to my knees and tried again to cocoon myself from the heavy burden my guilt brought.

“Bella, when do the girls need to go to bed for the night?” Huh?  Where had the sudden change in subject come from?

Confused, I thought about the question before answering. “I usually try to get them to bed by eight or eight-thirty, in fact I should probably get them up to feed.  If I want them to sleep at all tonight they can’t have that much longer of a nap.”  With a deep shuddering breath in I raised my head and began the difficult task of getting up.

Emily and Rachel removed their heads from my back and leaned back against the counter.  I stood and made my way to the fridge.  I grabbed two bottles and noticed that there was only two left, meaning I would have to pump as soon as possible.  I really didn’t think I had the energy to pump in the middle of the night.  I closed the door and went to the sink to warm the bottles.  Once warm, I took them into the living room and set them down on the couch side table.  I went to the playpen picked up Charlotte and woke her up praying the whole time she wouldn’t cry and wake her sister.  Thankfully, she was working with me and woke easily and stared at me with her big, warm, brown eyes.  I still had trouble believing Jacob and I made this tiny little miracle.  I didn’t understand how I could love something so much.  The first time I’d  held my daughters I felt this all encompassing, blind adoration, and love and I silently wondered if that was how imprinting felt. My very being was altered the day they were born.  I didn’t breathe for me, I didn’t love for me, I didn’t eat for me, I wasn’t a part of this earth for me; my entire existence became about them and their lives.  I knew it was now the same for Jacob.  What a royal mess I had made of all our lives. 

I was still playing the ‘what if’ game on loop in my head but knew it would do nothing but make me feel worse.  I stared at my daughter in the eyes knowing I had to fix everything for them.

“I’m sorry, Peanut, I’m sorry I kept you from your daddy.  I swear to you and your sister that I will fix this, I will make this better because I love you two so much and I love him so much.”  I promised my daughter and myself.

I heard muffled whispering coming from the kitchen but really didn’t care to strain my ears to hear what they were saying.  If I needed to know they would come to me.  I wanted to focus on simple tasks that didn’t require me to get too emotional or confrontational so I let the three in the kitchen be.

Charlotte started to squirm in my lap and I knew she was getting hungry, I reached over and grabbed a bottle and began to feed her. She was eating hungrily when Juliana began to whine.  Shit.  I hated when that happened, especially, when they weren’t in the carriers or the swing.  I knew if I quit feeding Charlotte to go get Juliana she would wail and if I waited until Charlotte was finished Juliana would begin to cry.  I was debating what to do when Charlie came into the living room, made his way over to the playpen, picked up his whimpering granddaughter, grabbed the other bottle and began to feed her.

I watched him feed Juliana for a moment before I decided to speak. “I’m sorry Dad.”

“For what, Bells?” He asked absently because the majority of his attention was on the baby in his arms.

“For everything, for leaving, for doing so without any real explanation, for not giving you an adequate one now, for getting pregnant in the first place, for not trusting you when I did find out.  I’ve put you through so much since I moved back here, I’ve caused you so much stress and heartache, and you deserved none of it.  I never meant to hurt you, I just got so lost.  I am so sorry.”  My voice cracked on the last word.

“I know you’re sorry.  It’s just…you can’t leave again, I can’t take it.  I almost lost you and I won’t go through that again. We all have a lot to decide in the next little while but you’re too exhausted to do any deciding right now and Jacob needs to be here when we do. And by the way you look I don’t think that doing that now is the best idea.”  I just nodded not knowing what to say.

Shortly thereafter, Charlotte finished her bottle so I picked her up to burp her.  I wanted and needed to get lost in my baby’s routine. The thing was, coming back had destroyed that routine and, I could sense myself struggling to stay stable.  Feeding and burping my daughter wasn’t helping the tumult of emotions and thoughts running through me.  If I wasn’t careful I was going to have a panic attack which would only upset the babies and make them harder to get to sleep tonight. 

“Bells, Charlie, we’re going to head back now.  Are you going to be okay?” Rachel asked as she placed a hand on my shoulder.  I just nodded because right now ‘okay’ was relative.  In the traditional sense I wasn’t but was I going to fall apart? No.  In the corner of my eye I saw that Charlie also nodded.

“Okay, I just turned the pot on the stove down, so whenever you two are ready your supper is done and Bella we’ll be here around nine tomorrow and then we can head out.”  Emily said.

“Thank you, you two…I.” Rachel interrupted before I could finish.

“You don’t need to say anything; we’ll see you in the morning and make sure you get some sleep.” Both Rachel and Emily moved to the babies, gave them kisses on their foreheads and then left the house.

I stared at the spot they had just vacated hoping and praying they would come back to keep the pressure of Charlie’s presence far away.  If they were here Charlie wouldn’t feel the need to grill me about whatever he wanted.  He most likely wanted to know where I was but who really knew what he wanted.

I finished burping Charlotte and decided that I would change and dress her for bed.  That way I could maybe put her and her sister to bed a bit early and get the sleep I so desperately needed.  I dropped to the floor pulled the duffel bag and diaper to me and pulled out what I needed.   I plopped her down and began undressing her.

“Bells what are you doing?” Charlie asked still standing but now burping Jules.

“I’m getting her dressed for bed, that way I can put them to bed a bit earlier tonight.”  I said as I finished snapping the snaps on Charlotte’s pajamas.  I then placed her in the carrier next to the play pen with the pacifier in her mouth.  I began picking up all the babies things and putting them in the duffel bag so that I could wash them later.  I then when to Charlie and took Jules from him and changed and dressed her for bed as well.  Once she was secured in her car seat I stood and turned to Charlie who was looking at me but he remained silent.

I grabbed the two dirty diaper and dirty bottles and marched into the kitchen.  If I was supposed to go out with Emily, Kim, and Rachel I was going to need a lot of bottles considering I had no clue how long I was going to be gone.  I washed all the dirty bottles sitting on the kitchen counter and then grabbed the baby blanket that was draped over on the chairs.  I sat down, covered up and began pumping.  There was only problem, with nothing really to do while I waited for the bottles to fill I had nothing to occupy my mind.  For what felt like the hundredth time since Jacob stood up and walked away from me, I replayed my conversation with him.  I think I did more harm to him than Edward did to me, I didn’t want to believe that Jacob or anyone would have to endure that pain but the sound of his voice and the images it brought was too much for me not to think that he didn’t feel that amount of pain and heartache.  Now I just prayed that it wouldn’t take as long as it took me to heal.  I knew I needed to leave these thoughts alone for now, they weren’t doing me any good if I wanted to sleep in the next week I would have to leave them for now and deal with them later when I wasn’t so emotional or tired.

I had thankfully filled seven bottles and after cleaning and covering up I put them all in the fridge.  I figured I would still have to pump before we left in the morning to make sure I brought enough along.  As I was turning around after closing the refrigerator door I noticed that Charlie was standing in the doorway slightly leaning against the frame.  He just stood looking at me with a blank expression.  I stood for a moment waiting for him to speak.  When he didn’t I sighed and made my way to the stove to see what Emily made for me and Charlie.

I lifted the lid and inhaled the amazing scent wafting from the pot.  Glancing down it looked to be a stew; I grasped the large spoon sitting on the stove top and stirred noticing root veggies and bits of meat. Umm, Emily’s beef stew, yeah it was July but right now I didn’t care I could use some comfort food and this stew would do the trick.  I’d have to thank her tomorrow.  Grabbing a bowl out the cupboard and a spoon out of the drawer I filled my bowl heaping full and sat at the table to relish in a meal I didn’t have to cook myself.  Silently Charlie pushed off from the doorway and followed my lead and filled a bowl of stew too, sat next to me and began eating as well.  We remained eating in silence through both Charlie and I’s second helpings.  Once finished I turned the stove off and put the leftovers in a container in the fridge, there was enough for Charlie to have tomorrow for lunch and maybe lunch the next day. 

I filled the sink with hot water, soap and dirty dishes as I began washing Charlie interrupted my attempt at distraction.

“Bella, can you please come here and talk to me?”  I stopped washing and made my way back to my chair and plopped down.

“What do you want to talk about dad?”  
            “Are you okay Bella, I mean the way you looked and…he didn’t…and you’ve…ugh.” I stopped him before he could continue his uncomfortable thoughts.

“Dad, I’m okay.  I mean considering I’ve been back a little over a day and I’ve had some of the most painful and intense confrontations of my life and I’m now the butt of many jokes around town and it’s not going to get any better anytime soon.  Considering I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since I left and until my girls learn what sleeping at night is I won’t be getting one.  I just know that the next few months are going to be really bad and I feel like I’m stuffing all the bad into a few days.  I’m burning the candle at both ends but once it goes out I’m going to have to keep going because I have two little girls that depend on me for everything and right now I have no way to make sure they get everything they need.  So if I take everything in to consideration, I’m doing pretty well because really I should be overcome with countless panic attacks.” I placed my elbows on the table and roughly ran my hands through my disheveled curls, thanks to the wind that was coming of the ocean off La Push.  I had vented just a little of what I was bottling up and if I released anymore I was going to fall apart, so I relocked it all back up. Charlie wasn’t going to get much more out of me.  Right now vegging in front of the TV with the babies till it was their bed time seemed ideal.

“You’re right…”Charlie began.  Huh, about what? “You’ve been doing this by yourself since the beginning and I have a feeling right now that Jake needs his space or you need your space from him.  You got a lot on your plate and it’s just going to get fuller.  How about you head to bed early and I take care of the girls tonight and for the overnight, that gives you a chance to sleep and a break from all this responsibility.”  I openly gaped at him, speechless.  I didn’t expect this and I felt bad.  He shouldn’t be doing this, they were my children.  The fact that I was so exhausted though made his offer seem idyllic.

“Dad, no, there’s no need for that. They’re my responsibility not yours and they can be a hand full at night, and you have a full day of work tomorrow. I’m just going shopping; I can sleep on the way there and back.  I’ll just hang out in the living room with them till it gets closer to their bed time and then I’ll put them down, I might get an hour or two more of  sleep that way.”

“Bella, I wasn’t suggesting. I’m telling you I’m taking care of the girls tonight and you’re going to go up to bed and get a full night of sleep. Now go get ready and head to bed, no arguing.”  The tone of his voice meant it was pointless to argue, but I still felt bad.

“Fine I won’t argue with you, I can see it’s pointless.  Thank you, I have plenty of bottles for them and the diapers are in the bag by the couch.  They tend to get up every two to three hours until it gets closer to morning then it’s like four.  If you need help with anything don’t be afraid to come get me, I can handle a lack of sleep.”  I was silently very grateful he was doing this, I just hoped the nightmares stayed at bay, the last time I had a long stretch of sleep that lasted more than four hours, I awoke screaming waking my babies up in the process and they were so freaked they hadn’t calmed down for hours.

“Good to know, now get your butt upstairs and get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.  Night Bells, love you.” He effectively ended our conversation and forced me to go up to bed at the same time.

“Thanks dad, I love you too, so much.” I walked over to him wrapped my arms around him and gave him a kiss on the cheek, he blushed deep red.

“Goodnight.”  I walked out of the kitchen and went to my baby girls.  I unbuckled Charlotte, picked her up, hugged her, placed kisses on both her cheeks, and placed her back in her carrier, replacing the pacifier back in her mouth.  I did the same to Juliana.  Then I went to the stairs and slowly climbed them.

Slowly, I made my way to my room and stood in the doorway and just stared.  The previous times I had been here I hadn’t stopped to look around.  When I had left I mostly took my clothes and not much else, save for a picture or two of Jake.  Now, looking around my ghost like room it seemed like I had never really left.  There were papers still strewn on my desk that I had left.  My bed was still unmade, one of Jake’s basket ball shorts poked out from under my bed, one of t-shirts hung off my rocking chair, the one I had stole for pajamas not long after we had become intimate.  Those items made me ache in more ways than one but what made me ache the most were all the pictures of Jake and me and our friends all over my room.  How I longed to go back to those simple days when my biggest problem was if I was going to see Jake or not or what I was making for supper.  My own room was now mocking me for my mistakes.

Pushing away the pain the pictures brought I moved to the shorts and t-shirt.  I shut my bedroom door and changed into them.  Boy was that a dumb idea, they still smelled like Jake.  His scent enveloped me and I missed him more now.  I moved to the window and opened it, wanting some fresh air to remove the heady scent of the man I loved from my room to grant me some respite.  I climbed into bed and soon sleep took me.

I opened my eyes. I was staring out at James Island from First Beach.  It was a rare sunny day and it was neither hot nor cold, a perfect day.  I was reclining on the sand with my arms behind me baring my weight; my toes were digging into the sand reveling in the feel and warmth.  I tipped my head up and closed my eyes absorbing the sunshine.  When I heard a child laughing and running up to me I opened my eyes and turned to the sound.  This child was dressed in a beautiful lilac sundress with no shoes on her tiny feet; her long black hair was in two beautiful pigtails full of ringlets.  She had a million watt smile as she ran up to me laughing “Mommy, Mommy.”  I got to my feet as she came up to me.  She excitedly wrapped her arms around my legs in a fierce hug.

“Hi baby, where’s your sister?” I asked my daughter, awed by her joy and beauty.  She was so much like her father, she was glowing, her gap toothed smile making the sunny day pale in comparison.  She turned to look out at the ocean and then turned to look up at me.  In that instant the sunny day turned a dark gray, the look of an approaching storm.  Her eyes held a sadness that made my heart break.  What had happened, she was so happy a moment ago?

“Charlotte baby, what’s wrong, where’s your sis-?” My question was stopped as I saw her whip her head away from my gaze to look to my left down the beach.  I followed her gaze to see Jacob walking pointedly to us, his eyes fixed on me.  When he was several paces away, Charlotte moved to him.  He bent over and picked her up.  When my eyes met his, I realized they were filled with sadness and sorrow.  My heart clenched. I knew what he was going to say and I dropped my head.

“Bella I’m so sorry, I...I promised you this wouldn’t happen, but I was wrong.  It’s just happened. I couldn’t look-. And so…I just looked at her once and I’m so sorry but we can’t…I can’t.”  I snapped my head up and standing behind Jacob was the most beautiful Quileute woman I had ever seen.  Her long raven locks fell straight to her lower waist while she looked at Jacob with love filled onyx eyes.  Her bronzed skin glowed as a small smile played on her lips.  She walked up to him and he placed my daughter in her arms and threw his arm around her shoulders.  My knees gave out and a wail left my quivering lips.  He had im-…But he had promised me he wouldn’t, that he couldn’t and he still did. And now I was all alone.  Not only had she taken him from me she was taking my child to. 

“Where...where is Jules?” I sobbed out.  His eyes hardened and I knew. I knew and a more painful wail, a sob that no longer sounded human came from my chest.  I knew and now I had nothing or no one.

I bolted awake.  I had the pillow pulled tightly to my face to muffle my scream.  As soon as the scream ended I continued bawling.  The pain of that dream, a dream I had had repeatedly in the last two months cut through me.  I tried to calm down, relax my breathing.  I took large gasping breaths.  I wiped my face of tears.  I collected my thoughts and glanced around my room.  My window was still open but I was a sweaty blubbering mess.  How with my window open had I gotten so hot? Well, it seemed that there was no breeze blowing into my room as my whole room still smelled… of Jacob?  At that realization the images from my dream came flooding back.  I pushed them away, refusing to believe that they could happen.  I laid back down, my breaths calmer.  I was relaxing and I was trying to go back to sleep. Within moments I fell back into a dreamless sleep for the last few hours of my night.

I woke to a bit of sun peaking through my open window.  I was much cooler than when I had woken from my nightmare.  I felt more refreshed than I had in a long time.  I sat up and stretched.  I climbed out of bed and made my way to the bathroom to shower.  If Charlie was downstairs watching the girls I was going to take advantage and take a nice, long, relaxing shower.  I washed my hair and myself.  Once done, I climbed out, walked to the mirror taking in my reflection.  I still didn’t look too hot.  My pallor was still tinged ashen and I still had deep, dark circles under my eyes but thankfully, I looked better than I had last night.  My eyes were no longer ringed or filled with red.  The swelling was gone and I was thankfully snot free.  I brushed my hair and then made my way to my bedroom to get dressed in the last outfit I had in Forks.

I walked down the stairs as silently as possible, hopefully the babies would sleep a bit longer.  Long enough for me to pump and eat some breakfast.  I peeked into the living room to see Charlie sleeping on his back with Charlotte sleeping on his chest.  I tiptoed into the living room and pulled the camera from the diaper bag, snapping several pictures of the two. 

I pulled the three empty and clean bottles from the diaper bag and put the camera back.  I grabbed the four bottles that Charlie had used last night and cleaned them.  I sat at the table, covered myself, and began filling the bottles. I didn’t know if I could fill all seven but I hoped. There was still three in the fridge and if I filled all seven I would have enough till this evening without pumping till after we got back from shopping.  Thankfully, I filled all seven and placed them in the fridge.  Then I started on breakfast.  I figured omelets were good enough.  I didn’t want anything other than eggs and they were more substantial than scrambled or over easy.  Once I had two done, for both me and Charlie I made my way back into the living room.  I saw Charlie was awake and he had the silliest smile on his face looking at Charlotte.  I giggled and moved to pick her up so he could eat.  Once I got her in my arms I clutched her to my chest, the remnants of the nightmare drifting away.  She stirred a little and then settled again after moving her fisted had up to my chest and her head turned to the side. 

I settled at the kitchen table with Charlotte still clutched to my chest, I ate quietly enjoying the simplicity of my morning.  My babies were sleeping, I had enough milk for them for the day, I had had a fairly decent night of sleep and Charlie had some time to bond with his grandbabies.

“You look better Bells, sleep did you some good.”  I just nodded my head and continued chewing.

“How were they last night? I hope they didn’t give you too much trouble.”  I was fearful they were difficult for him, considering I had four empty bottles this morning they had to wake at least twice last night which was normal for them.

“They went to bed on time after a diaper change and they woke up twice last night.  I didn’t know that if one woke up the other was soon to follow. You were right they are a handful. I have to hand it to you Bells; you do it with so much ease.  You make taking care of the twins look so effortless, they are a lot of work, you do a good job.  You’re a great mom.”  Charlie said

I had tears welling in my eyes, I didn’t know what to say.  He sounded proud; proud of his unwed, nineteen year old daughter, who was a mother of two. What he said made me feel less like a disappointment.

“Thanks dad, that means a lot.  I’m sorry you have to put up with all my mistakes, I’ve put you through a lot since I move here and you’ve handled most of it pretty well. I’m so glad you’re my dad and I’m so glad I moved back here in spite of all the drama.”  I meant all of that.  Yes, moving back here wasn’t my favorite idea and I had been through hell almost from the moment I arrived but had I not moved here I wouldn’t have this great relationship with my dad, something I missed desperately while I was away in California.

“I’m happy you came back too kid, just. You can’t run again Bella, no matter what.  This old man can’t take it again.  If you ever get so overwhelmed that it feels like you need to leave please for peat’s sake come to me and talk.” Charlie beseeched.

“I know dad, no more running, you’re stuck with me for good. I’m not leaving Forks again.  It was hell being away it’s not something I ever want to go through again.  So if I ever feel that I’m overwhelmed, I will come to you, promise.” I tried to mollify him.

“Ok kid, I need to go up and get ready for work, you need any help with the babies or do you have it covered?”

“I got it dad, I’ve been doing this alone from the beginning and if one cries then so be it, till I get them ready for the day.  By the way what time did they have their last bottle?”

“Uh, I think it was sometime around five.  They sucked those bottles down like they were starving wolves; they really are their father’s daughters.”  My eyes widened a bit before I forced them to look normal.

“Yeah they’ve had a healthy appetite from the beginning. I think the doctor said they put on like four pounds in their first month.  He said that I might have to start supplementing my milk with formula if I can’t keep up with their hunger.”

“Yeah, well, I should go up and get ready for work now.”  With that Charlie fled.

I chuckled and then made my way to the fridge to grab two bottles.  I began to warm them when I heard Juliana whimper from the living room.  I let her be until I knew the bottles were ready.  I was thankful my babies were as calm as they were.  They never cried a lot, never were too terribly cranky.  They were genuinely happy babies.  I don’t know what I would do if they were cranky or fussy babies because they were already a handful.  I made my way into the living room and set the bottles on the couch side table.  Charlotte was still slumbering in my arms but I knew that with her sister awake it wouldn’t be long until she woke up as well.  With my one working hand I grabbed one carrier and set it on the couch so that I could place Charlotte carefully inside, hoping I wouldn’t force her awake with my movements.  Once she was secured I moved to the play pen to see Juliana laying there wide awake just looking up at the ceiling.

I picked her up and cooed to her.  After my dream last night it felt good to have her in my arms and know where she was.  To know she was safe and happy made me feel comforted and the fears my dream brought were appeased.  I marched back to the couch, took my spot and laid her on my lap.  I looked over at Charlotte and noticed she was now awake.  I was amazed my babies were so calm, usually they whimpered and whined more in the mornings.  I grabbed one bottle and gave it to Charlotte.  While I held that bottle up for her I reached for the other and gave it to Juliana.  They drank greedily and soon they were done.  I replaced Charlotte’s bottle with her pacifier so that I could burp Juliana with both arms free.  I finished burping Jules and put her in her carrier with her pacifier and went to burp Charlotte.  She let out a loud belch as Charlie came down the stairs.

“Bells, I’m off to the station have fun shopping with the girls.”  He came up to me and handed me a wad of cash.  I looked up at him with my brows furrowed and confusion in my eyes.

“What…Dad…What?” I asked still very confused

“For clothes and things, I noticed you didn’t bring much stuff with you and that means you’ll need clothes and baby things.  I figure you didn’t have much money with you so I figured I’d help out some.  And no you can’t complain and say I didn’t need to do it, you’ll take this money and spend it.  Now close your mouth and just accept the money, okay?”

“Thanks Dad.” I said defeated.  He chuckled and walked out the door.

I figured now was a good time to get the babies ready for the day.  I grabbed a matching outfit for each girl and I began to change their diapers and clothes.  Once they were dressed I cleaned out and repacked the diaper bag for the day.  I filled the cooled compartment with the remaining bottles in the fridge and made sure that my purse was in the bag as well.  I zipped it closed and placed it on the couch next to me.

Just as I sat down I heard a knock at the door.  Figuring it was Emily and Rachel I headed to the door.  When I opened it I was surprised.  It wasn’t who I was expecting and the look on his face made me flood with panic instantly.

“Oh, god she came back here already didn’t she, Sam?”  Worry filled me.  Worry for the safety of my babies but also for the wolves that would have to hunt her down.  I knew that the wolves were capable of fighting vampires; they had proven their strength to me again and again but that didn’t mean they were invincible.  I was on edge and I just wanted to be safe, but I wouldn’t be until Victoria was gone from my life for good.  I wondered if my life would ever be normal.  I just stood at the door staring expectantly at Sam waiting for him to drop the anvil of bad news, waiting for my bad week to get worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What are your thoughts. Let me know. Thank you for reading.


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